Another Anniversary

Two years since it all began

On October 25, 2011, The Hubs and I went in for our first consultation with my weight loss surgeon.  I can barely believe it's been 2 years since this journey of change began for us both.  The shrinking phase of the process has pretty much been completed, although I would like to shave off another 4 pounds to get to a total of 140 lost.  But I am not obsessing over it.  If it is meant to happen, it will.  The doctor and the dietician are happy with my weight where it is, so if it's good enough for them, who am I to quibble about it?

What have the last 2 years been like?  What have I learned?  What is next for me?

The process has been filled with victories and frustrations, and for the first few months after my surgery, quite a bit of pain was involved, both physical and emotional.  I had moments of wondering whether I would ever feel like myself again (that period passed and I now feel like a better, healthier, slightly more confident version of myself).  I have gradually replaced most of my wardrobe, which was a little bit scary at first.  Being as large as I was for as long as I was, venturing into new types of clothing felt risky for me, but little by little I am learning not only what fits me, but what flatters my new size and shape as well.  I had forgotten that dressing myself could actually be fun!

My body as a musical instrument functions differently now, and I notice that after I have been to chorus rehearsals, my ribs are sometimes sore afterward, because I am learning how to engage my core again while singing.  I seem to breathe better and more deeply, which can only be a good thing.  My lungs will never be what they were when I was in college because some illnesses over the years have left me with scarring.  But they have more room to breathe deeply now that a lot of abdominal fat is gone.  I hear and feel subtle changes in my tone as well, partly due to age, and partly due to the weight loss.

Some of my relationships with people are different now, not necessarily because I want them to be.  The fact is that once I stopped being always the fattest person in the room, some people began to treat me differently.  Some are nicer, some are more aloof.  It doesn't really matter to me.  The people who have always supported and loved me, whatever size and shape I am, continue to do so.  The ones who are nicer to me because I am now more "presentable" only value appearances, not what is inside a person.  The essence of me is still the same.  It's just living in a smaller house.

What is next for me?  Only God knows the answer to that question.  I hope and pray for continued strength, good health, happiness and peace for me and for the people I love.  I pray for opportunities to share His goodness with the people I meet along the way, to soothe and comfort those who are hurting, to rejoice with those who are happy and to make a positive difference in the world around me.  I want my life to mean something, and when it's over, I want to leave a good legacy behind.  Most of all, I want my life to be like a song, composed with passion and sincerity, pleasing to the ears of my Maker.

Fifteen Months Since Surgery

Drama, trauma, bloodwork and visiting Comfort Food Land

September 6 was my 15-month surg-i-versary so I am a few days late writing this post.  But I waited on purpose so I could share an update from my last bloodwork.  I had blood drawn twice last week, once at Dr. Gut-Check's office, my GI doctor.  We have been watching my liver levels for a while and done various tests since my physical in January, when a couple of my levels were elevated.  Good news from Dr. Gut-Check!  My liver levels have improved since my last check in July and are almost completely back to normal.

My second blood test as for nutrient levels, specifically protein, iron and vitamin K.  All those levels are still low since my last check 3 months ago, but no lower than they were, so while they have not improved, they are no worse, either.  The nurse called and told me to go ahead and increase my vitamin K, and she wants to talk to the doctor to find out how to proceed with my iron supplementation.  Protein is always an issue, as it is hard to get in 100 grams daily while staying within my calorie allowance.  More shakes are probably in my future.  A shake made with skim milk is 160 calories and 23 grams of protein, definitely my biggest protein bang for the calorie buck!

Elsewhere, my world has changed dramatically and traumatically.  Just a few days after my last post, my precious Aunt Ruby suffered a massive stroke.  She was taken to the emergency room, evaluated and treated with TPA, a powerful and risky clot-busting medicine.  There was really no option but to go ahead ith the TPA because the stroke was completely debilitating.  The following morning she suffered a brain bleed and she passed away that night, surrounded by her family.  Anyone who has followed this blog has read about Aunt Ruby, and knows what a loss this is for our family, and for me.

This is my first major loss since surgery, and I have found myself returning briefly to some of my old, eating-for-comfort habits.  I have known exactly what I was doing each mouthful of the way, so it's not as though I have been unaware of my actions.  As a result I packed on a few pounds.  I learned something from this little detour into Comfort Food Land.  The comfort that comes is only temporary, but if I am not careful, the weight gain could become permanent.

So I am still weighing myself every morning to keep myself accountable, and this week I lost back down to where I was.  Surgery has not made me bulletproof; I know that I can screw this process up if I am not careful.  Because of this awareness and the fact that I am at increased risk right now because of my emotions, I have taken a break from hospice volunteering.  I need to work through my own bereavement before I go back to face the grief of other people.  I am considering participating in a grief group at church.  If I need counseling, that is a possibility as well. 

I'll be OK, eventually.  We all will be OK, eventually.  My cousins, my brother and I will all need to work through our grief individually, each of us being careful to care for our unique concerns and issues in the process.  For me, for right now, I need to be diligent in taking care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  And part of that means feeling the feelings of grief as they come and not trying to anesthetize myself with food.  I can't be taking too many detours to Comfort Food Land.     

Fourteen Months Since My Surgery

Vital statistics, "wow" moments, and welcoming new friends on the path

Today is my 14-month surg-i-versary and as of this morning I have lost a total of 136 pounds.  I guess that is "wow" moment number 1!  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this much weight would be gone at this point...or ever, actually.  It was more than I could conceive or wrap my head around when this whole process began, and I am grateful beyond measure for the gift of feeling better.

The past month since my last update here has held several "wow" moments.  Most people would not place wearing heels in that category, but I do.  A couple of weekends ago, I met up with my dear, longtime friend Mary K. for our annual girlfriend getaway.  We worked on scrapbook and Christmas card projects, visited and caught up on each other's lives, work, families and whatnot.  And there was shopping!  (Last year's getaway for us was much different.  I was less than a month out from surgery and still feeling pretty rough around the edges, so it was a very quiet weekend.)  Anyway, back to the shopping.  There is a huge outlet mall where we were staying and we did a little damage there.  We went to a shoe place and I found, and bought, 2 pairs of shoes with heels.  As a heavy woman with very small feet and weak/injured ankles, I have worn nothing but flats for a very long time.  Imagine my surprise and delight when I tried on some cute heels that were also fairly comfortable, and that I could walk in without looking or sounding like a herd of cattle!  And they were on sale at a ridiculous discount!  Epic win.  I wore the taller pair to work one day last week and made it through the whole day with them.  I could tell that my leg muscles were working, which is a good thing, and I think I burned extra calories as well.  Since my working day is basically 12 hours from leaving to coming home, heels for church should be no problem, Lord willing and knock wood.  I also scored a killer denim jacket that I wore the same day with the killer heels.  It's the first denim jacket I've owned that really fits well and looks good.  Another epic win.

A couple of people at work who had not seen me in a while had some really nice things to say about the changes in my appearance and improved well-being.  One lady said she almost didn't recognize me.  A fellow who comes in to do maintenance on some of our systems commented that it looked like I had taken off a lot of weight, and I explained that I'd undergone weight loss surgery last summer.  He said, "Well, you must feel so much better, and you look fantastic!  If it's OK for me to say that..."  I laughed and told him that yes, it is totally OK to say that.  And I may have blushed a little.  It's kind of funny, and kind of sad, that people feel so paranoid about paying a compliment anymore, for fear of harrassment complaints.  Mostly sad.  The most interesting of these encounters was when a guy I see every day remarked that I was looking thin, asked if I was feeling well and healthy, and said he wouldn't want me shrinking too much.  Excuse me?  I could not possibly have heard that right!  (This was the day I wore the heels and killer jacket, by the way.) 

I am always open now about having had surgery.  Some people have the surgery and never tell anyone.  I certainly appreciate and respect the right to keep these matters private.  I didn't tell a lot of people what I was planning until shortly before the surgery actually happened, after all.  Once surgery was completed, I knew that I'd rather tell people how the weight loss was happening than to have them speculate about what I might or might not have done.  Last week, two lady friends of mine underwent their own weight loss procedures.  Their procedures were different from the one I had.  I don't know how private they are going to be about their respective journeys with recovery, weight loss and all that goes along with this process.  I admire, respect and support them in whatever way they choose to proceed.  I empathize with them for the guts needed to take the step toward well-being, the discomfort they will endure as they heal from surgery and the many changes they will experience in the coming months, positive and negative alike.  I pray for them on their journeys.  A third lady friend is planning her procedure for the fall, and she is in my prayers while she continues the preparation phase.  For each of these brave ladies, I pray most of all that they will realize that they are already beautiful!  I pray that they each will be glad they did it, that they will recover well, that they will feel wonderful and bloom into the vibrant, healthy, strong women they are meant to be.

Thirteen Months Since Surgery

Tests, more tests and, did I mention there were tests?

Today is my 13 month surg-i-versary, and in the past month I have undergone some medical testing related to my still-elevated liver enzymes.  My surgeon referred me to my GI doctor, Dr. Gut-Check, who examined me, ordered 11 vials of blood drawn to check for everything from various types of hepatitis to hemochromotosis, and scheduled an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was fine, as was the bloodwork, with one exception.

My blood workup showed Celiac sprue.  I freaked out and started doing research to see exactly what that could mean.  Celiac disease, an intolerance/allergy to gluten, would mean a radical change in my diet, which has already undergone plenty of radical changes in the last year and a half, thank you very much.  Celiac disease destroys the villi in the intestinal tract, which are little fingerlike projections that help the body absorb nutrients from food.  I am already at a higher risk for nutritional deficiencies because of my surgery. 

Celiac would also be a logistical nightmare.  Separate shelves for food storage (upper shelves for gluten-free foods to keep them from having gluten-food particles fall on them), costly gluten-free shopping, more fine-tooth-comb label reading, constant fear of cross-contamination...the list of concerns is endless.  Dr. Gut-Check also scheduled an upper endoscopy to go into my stomach and small intestine with a lighted scope to look around in there for more information.  The endoscopy was this past Wednesday. When I awoke from the procedure Dr. Gut-Check told me that she took tissue samples to biopsy because she "couldn't really tell anything by looking".  I said, "You mean I still have villi?"  And she responded that I do indeed still have villi, and my paperwork said my mucosa was normal.  Encouraging signs for sure.  But I am still waiting for the biopsy results with some nervousness.

I don't want to have to deal with Celiac disease for about a dozen different reasons, most of which I listed earlier.  The logistics of it are just staggering.  Plus, I am nervous about the possible organ damage that can come from this condition, including liver damage.  My liver levels are where this whole thing started.  I just want to be OK.  I pursued surgery to gain a healthier, stronger life.  And I know that people with Celiac disease can live healthy, strong lives...with LOTS of adjustments.

I am praying that the biopsy results are normal and my liver levels are just a blip on the radar that we'll keep an eye on.  I am praying that Celiac disease is not an issue for me.  I am praying that my intestinal villi stay strong and functional.  Mostly, though, I am praying for the grace to accept whatever comes...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Size, Shape, Compliments and Fruit Salad

Why labels are pretty much meaningless...


It has been a good week.  I was able to reconnect with some of my CPE peer group, including our supervisor, for dinner and a little time to visit.  What a joy to see these beautiful faces and to bask in their company for a few hours!  They were intimately involved with my preparation for weight loss surgery and poured such love and support into my life during our time together.  I am convinced that they were an integral part of my pre-op success and that period would not have been the same without them.

It was also a week of compliments around the workplace.  It is nice to receive affirmation on positive changes, and most of the time I am really grateful.  Occasionally, though, someone's attempt at a compliment seems awkward, or overly familiar, and ends up making me feel a little uncomfortable.  Case in point: a lady whose face I had seen before but who I don't really know, saw me and rushed over to comment on my changed appearance, grabbing my hands and gushing about how great I looked.  I was thinking, "Have we actually ever met before?"  She felt like she knew me, obviously.  A different time someone commented on my weight loss, and, as always, I explained that I'd had weight loss surgery (I am always wide open about that, with everyone).  She said it was great that I did it and had "learned how to stop..." and then made the gesture of hand-to-mouth, as if shoveling in food.  She also apparently felt familiar enough to talk to me like that.  She is not that familiar, and this exchange was not OK.  A gentleman in the break room complimented me this week and it was kind of humorous.  We have actually had conversations before so I didn't mind him mentioning it.  He said I looked "good, I mean, healthy...I mean, it's hard to compliment somebody without being afraid of saying the wrong thing and ending up in HR."  I laughed my head off and assure him that he was safe.  If he'd said something like, "I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard!" we might have had a little problem, but he was nice and I appreciated the compliment.

I have an appointment with Dr. Gut-Check (the gastroenterologist) in a couple of days to try and determine the source of my elevated liver enzymes.  When I learn more, I'll write about it here.  I still want to lose a few more pounds, and I have a few that I can lose before getting to my dietician-recommended minimum.  The fact that I even have a minimum still feels crazy to me.  My size and shape will probably continue to settle and change a little over the coming months. 

I've been thinking a lot about "size" this week, especially how clothing sizes for women don't make any sense.  This week, I wore jeans in sizes from 12 to 18, and they all fit me.  What's up with that?!  I bought a pair of vintage Levi's on Ebay a few weeks ago that are an 18, but the waist measurement is the same as the new size 12 Levi's I just bought last week.  The only thing I can do now when shopping is to go by the tape measure numbers, because they are objective.  It just goes to prove that size labels don't mean much.  The Hubs said that he never understood why women's clothes didn't come sized the way men's clothes do, with simple measurements for waists, chests and inseams.  I wonder about that too.  Fortunately for my Ebay hunting adventures, many sellers now include that information for jeans in addition to the size on the tag.

Because I was curious about how my various-sized jeans look, I had The Hubs take some photographs, specifically of the rear view.  I can't really tell what looks good from back there, after all!  I am still adjusting to my changing body's shape and size.  The last time I was at my current weight, my shape was way different than it is now.  I have a much more defined waist than I ever have before, which is nice for a change!  I also now have a little bit of "junk in the trunk", which I  never had before, either.  My fanny has never been anything to write home about, and it still isn't, but it is nice to have curves both above and below the waist for once.

It's also a little weird.  Size labels on clothes don't make much sense, but the "fruit salad" descriptions of body types do.  My weight loss from surgery may have shrunk different parts of me than doing it non-surgically in the past did.  It may be somewhat related to my age and hormones as well.  My whole life I've been an "apple", carrying my weight around my midsection, belly and chest.  Now, suddenly, I look more like a "pear", with a smaller, more defined waist and curvier hips.  I'm not complaining;  it's just going to take a little getting used to.  When/if I pursue excess skin removal on my abdomen, my size will change again, and my shape might change along with it. 

If it seems like I am obsessing, I probably am.  It's just a whole lot of change in a relatively short time.  It will just take more time for my mind and heart to catch up with the changes in my body, and I will get there. 

Now What?!

Reflections as my 1 year Surg-I-Versary approaches


This week has been extraordinary.  Hearing at my doctor's appointment that I am now at a good weight and BMI is still sinking in gradually.  I still feel fat, as I mentioned in my last post.  Old habits and thought patterns die hard.

Now that I am basically at goal weight, I am wondering, now what?  I still have a lot of work to do on both my mind and my body.  "Shrinking" now is less about what I weigh and more about toning my muscles and firming up the areas that I can.  The exercise I've been doing to this point has not been especially strenuous, and I guess it's time to ramp up the activity while getting enough calories to keep my weight more or less stable. 

Yet another dimension of The New Normal.

I am also considering slowing down on this blog and beginning a new blog that is focused less on the weight loss journey and more on the rest of my life.  This Diva has so many stories to tell... memories of the people I have loved who are no longer with us in this physical world, stories of the people who are still with us and the lessons they teach, stuff that makes me laugh and cry and think.  I am wondering what those who have been reading this blog would be interested in reading about in the next one.  Because, while I began this process simply as a way to document my weight loss journey for myself, I have discovered that I gain great satisfaction both from the writing process and from the input I receive when people read my posts. 

So, Now What?

Some titles/premises I have considered for the new blog are:

In My Maker's Hands

Random Acts Of Living

Patchwork and Potpourri---Pieces of Life


If you read this post and have thoughts about the new blog (including whether I need to bother with doing it!) I would love to know them.  I have appreciated, and benefited more from, people reading and responding to my writing much more than I ever thought I would.  And I have a lot more to say, whether anyone reads it or not.  So I will continue to write, and to post on Facebook when I've written something new.  That way when there is something new, at least people know it's there, even if they opt out of reading it. 

Will anything come out of all this writing?  Who knows?  For me, something valuable already has come from it.  It has helped me to work a lot of my "stuff" out, and enabled me to share this part of my journey.  For that I am profoundly grateful.

Good Right Now, Where I Am

Shifting Paradigms and New Math Revisited


Although my actual Surg-I-Versary is not until June 6, I had my official 1-year checkup today at the surgeon's office, meeting with the exercise physiologist and the dietician.  As of today, I have lost 78% of my excess body weight and my body mass index is down a staggering 22.2%.  At the 1-year point the desired percentage of excess weight loss is 66%, so I am 12% ahead of that.  The overachiever in me is delighted!  According to my scale, I have lost 127 pounds total, 100 of that since surgery.  My blood pressure today was 94/62.  The exercise physiologist took it and asked me if this is about where it tends to run now, and I assured him that it is.  Part of The New Normal.

Results from my 14-vial blood draw last week were mixed, but mostly good.  My iron is improved but still a little low, so I am still on extra iron, for now.  Protein is also a little low, but just by .1%, so I am not worried about that.  It will be an ongoing process to make sure my protein intake is adequate.  Vitamin K is low this time, so the dietician has added a vitamin K supplement to my routine.  No biggie.

The liver enzymes that my family doctor found to be elevated a few months ago at my annual physical are still elevated.  So I am being referred to a gastroenterologist to check into that more thoroughly.  While I am not thrilled with this development, I am also not really worried about it.  I'm not having any pain or symptoms, so I am hoping this will turn out to be no biggie as well.  I'll update here when I have seen Dr. Gut-Check (nickname for the GI doctor) and have something more concrete to report.  I feel fine so I'm not going to be freaking out about it just yet.

My appointment and discussions today, especially with the dietician, were great indicators of progress made and a wake-up call about where I really am in this whole process.  I am basically at an acceptable weight and BMI, right where I am.  I thought I had a lot more weight to lose, but the dietician told me I am at a good place now, and if I lose more than 10 more pounds, I need to come see her for closer monitoring and ADDING calories to my daily intake.

Excuse me, I could not possibly have heard that correctly.  I am good right now, where I am?  Really?

I am having some trouble absorbing this, because in my whole life, I have never been good right now, where I am.  Never.  When I was in 6th grade, 5 feet, 1 inch tall and wearing a junior size 11 jeans and a 34-B bra, I was "too fat."  At least, that's what I was always hearing.  Looking back as an adult, I can realize that I was just fine at that size, and the Fatophobes in my life saying I was fat were lying.  I was just an early bloomer.  If I had been told just once by the right people that I looked good at that weight and size, I might have been able to stay there.  But I wasn't.  I was "too fat", and my life from then on became a struggle with ballooning weight and size, diets, shame and never measuring up because of my measurements.

I grew up in a world of extremes and judgments.  There were fat people and skinny people.  Skinny people were better than fat people.  And I was fat people.

I still feel fat, to be honest.  I see loose skin and wiggly-jiggly stuff on my body.  I don't have a textbook tummy or firm, flat abs.  But I am less large than I used to be, and now that the number of pounds I need to lose is minimal, I can start working on toning my body and investigating skin removal on my abdomen, if my insurance will cover that.  Making the transition in my mind from "freakin'-HUGE" to "Good-right-now-where-I-am" will be a big paradigm shift for me.

After my appointment I stopped to pick up my new vitamin K supplements and, on a lark, did a little shopping.  I thought I was in the mood to look for shoes, but nothing in the shoe store appealed to me.  Turns out there was something else I was meant to do.  I found my way into a department store and, out of curiosity, I picked up an armful of different jeans in several sizes to try on.

Today, after being told that I am good right now, where I am, I zipped myself into a pair of size 12 Levi's.  I did a happy dance in the dressing room, cried a little and then texted my cousin Judy to share the news with her.  She understands my issues with weight/size/self-image in a way few other people do, and she rejoiced with me on this milestone.  I can't ever remember wearing a 12 in jeans.  I remember going from an 11 junior size straight into 14's and up...and up.   I realize it's just a number on a label, but it still feels like a victory somehow.

New math for me indeed.

The Scales Of Justice

Tallying up the totals from vacation


The Diva has survived her first post-surgery vacation without doing too much damage to her program!  In fact, I am pleased to report that when I got on my scale this morning, I somehow actually managed to lose about half a pound while we were gone.  It's not much, but considering the variation in routine and the fact that I did not have my trusty scale with me on the trip, I am counting a half pound lost over vacation as a big victory!

There are other tallies to be added up, and a big one will get done tomorrow.  I am going in to get my big 1-year labs drawn at the weight loss center tomorrow, and while I am hopeful that everything turns out well, I am also a little nervous.  I'll go and do that right before I head to the hospice for my Monday afternoon at the front desk.  I won't be donating a pint of blood, but I will get several vials drawn to check nutrients, protein, iron and various other levels to make sure I am getting what I need from both supplements and food sources. I am especially hoping that my iron is better, maybe even in the normal range by now.  If you're a praying person and you read this between now and in the morning, a small prayer for good blood work for me would be more than welcome!

My actual appointment for the 1-year checkup is next week, when we will discuss my progress, my percentage of excess weight lost to date and the results of my big blood draw that happens tomorrow.  (They need about a week to process those results.)  And there might be a photo-op.  I know that right before surgery they took a "before" picture, so the 1-year checkup might involve an "after" one.  Which is fine.  While we were on vacation, I did something that The Hubs said took guts---I posted a waist-up swimsuit picture to my Facebook timeline.  The photo I posted is not pristinely clear, and there is a piece of wall art behind me that makes me look like I have spikes growing out the side of my head.  But it gives a good representation of the progress made since the weight loss journey began, both in the actual change in size and in the fact that I was willing to post a picture like that in the first place!  It's not indecent or anything, and there's not a foot of cleavage showing.

The Girls, however, are still very much present and accounted for.  Once the losing process is done and the maintenance phase is underway, there may be some body work ahead for me, depending on what my insurance will cover.  Years ago, when a co-worker's wife had weight loss surgery, insurance covered her tummy-tuck procedure after she had achieved goal weight.  That is something I would consider.  And there might still be room (and insurance coverage) for The Girls to have their own reconstruction/reduction.  While there has been significant breast loss as I have shrunk, The Girls are still large...and heavy.

Lots of things are sagging and bagging.  I have wing flaps on the backs of my arms and sagging thigh skin that exercise won't really address because it is skin and not muscle.  There is wrinkly-crinkly stuff under my chin and on my neck now that bugs me.  But, these things are just vanity and nothing that I will pursue surgical correction for.  Tummy reconstruction is somewhat different because there are literally pounds of skin in that area, just hanging there.  Not to be graphic, but folds of skin hanging like that can trap moisture and harbor infections if a patient is not careful, which is why loose belly skin becomes a real health issue, and why, I suspect, insurance often covers a tummy-tuck.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  Goal weight is close, but I'm not there yet.  Once I get there, then we'll start considering what else might need to be done for the sake of my health and well-being.  For now, let's get me through the next couple of weeks, the big blood draw and the 1-year checkup.  

Worth It

Things you can't put a price on...


Today is our last day of vacation.  Tomorrow we will be back on the road home. The last day of a vacation always makes me a little sad.  As I write this, I am sitting in Palm Coast Coffee, one of my favorite places on the planet, having just enjoyed half of a scone with The Hubs.  Only half of a scone because that was enough to fill me up!  Life is very different in many ways since surgery.

Yesterday we got out and did a little shopping and sightseeing.  One of the things I wanted to do on this trip was to climb the St. Simons Lighthouse, and we did that yesterday.  It's probably not that big a deal to most people, but accomplishing the climb meant a lot to me.  The lighthouse has 129 steps to the top, a narrow spiral staircase with landings about every 20 steps and a window at each landing for viewing the island and taking pictures.  The top viewing deck is 360 degrees of beautiful views of both the island and the ocean.  The afternoon was sunny and warm, and the climb didn't take long at all.  Going down the steps was actually a little more challenging because of how narrow the staircase is, and how twisty.  The Hubs uses a FitBit, and it told him that the lighthouse was equivalent to 7 flights of stairs!

St. Simons Island is a cool little community.  There are always people outside walking their dogs, walking their kids in strollers, riding bikes and being friendly to everyone else.  It's a very dog-friendly place, and Palm Coast is as well.  As I write this there are 2 families outside on the porch/patio with their dogs in tow.  Lots of places down here offer dog-friendly dining options with decks, patios and porches where humans can bring their four-legged children.  The lifestyle here just seems more relaxed.  Of course, I am on vacation, so the relaxed side of life here is what I see.  When we win that Powerball jackpot, we'll have a cottage down here, and some other houses in some other places!  It's nice to dream.

The last time we visited here, my dreams were about being smaller and healthier, feeling better and hurting less.  Those dreams have begun to come true since weight loss surgery.  While there has been plenty of laziness on this trip, even the laziness has felt different somehow.  Simple things like walking the dog have been more enjoyable.  While I may have possibly been able to climb the lighthouse before, it would have been exhausting and painful, and much slower to do.

I have a couple of friends who are planning their own weight loss procedures for this summer.  These women inspire me with their choice to reclaim health, strength and vitality for themselves.  I pray for their process as they prepare for surgery, undergo their procedures and recoveries, and begin the journey into The New Normal.  I don't lie to anyone and say that it's an easy process, because it is anything but easy.  There are costs, substantial ones, financial and otherwise.

It is not easy.  It is not cheap, either.  It is sometimes a struggle, and I'm still in that first-year honeymoon period.  Big changes have to happen.  A friend at work asked me about the mental/psychological part of the equation, and I said that before I could change my body, I had to change my mind.  And that is going to be a lifelong process.

It's not easy.

But it's worth it.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Meds

Special considerations for the weight loss patient


I have been dreaming a lot while we have been on vacation, with vivid, stressful nightmares the first couple of nights.  One of my dreams was that The Hubs and I were in New York City, lost somewhere up there, and among all the other things that were wrong with that scenario, I had not packed my vitamins and supplements, and there was no place where I could just dash in and buy them.  Not having my meds was the worst part of the dream by far because serious health problems can result if I don't stick to my regimen, and I was paranoid about getting complications from not having my supplements.

Prior to surgery I didn't take much medication on a regular basis, especially considering my age and my weight at that time.  No meds for diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol or hypertension, because I had been spared those conditions.  I took medicine as needed for headaches and allergy symptoms, and on a daily basis, my birth control pill and an acid blocker because of reflux due to a hiatal hernia. ( The Hubs has more medications because of his diabetes, but he always takes care of packing his own bag.  Lots more information than you needed, I realize.) Anyway...this being my first big post-surgery trip, I was a little paranoid I would forget something I needed to pack.

My daily meds now consist of the pills I took before, PLUS:

8 huge bariatric multi-vitamin pills (although I don't take them all at the same time);

The acid blocker, which I will take for the rest of my life because, even though my surgeon repaired my hiatal hernia, I also have about 70-80% less stomach than I did before, and what's left needs to be protected from acid and possible ulcers, which could become a major problem if they develop;

A probiotic that I also get from the weight loss center because it is specially formulated for bariatric patients (I have compared it to the ones available at retail and mine are both more complete and way less expensive);

2 iron supplement pills which are also bariatric-patient-specific.

I need to take such an overabundance of supplements in part because I don't absorb nutrients, calories or fats the way someone with an unaltered digestive tract does.  This malabsorption is a big reason that my kind of surgery has a good success rate; it is also why I have to be extra-careful about getting the nutrients I need by gulping so many pills every day.  And because my supplements are specifically designed for weight loss patients, I can't just stop at the local neighborhood pharmacy and find what I need there.

So my paranoia in my dream was echoing my paranoia in real life, nervousness about forgetting something I needed to pack and getting sick or breaking a bone from lack of vitamins.  It happens to patients who don't stick to their plan more often than we hear about, and the dieticians at the weight loss center have preached the importance of supplements so well that I am a true believer.  I had surgery to improve my health and strength, after all.  Why would I risk my health and strength now by not taking my supplements?  I won't.  I am too aware of all that could go wrong if I don't stick to the plan.

I am a true believer.  I AM a true believer!  Can I get an Amen?

A Different World

And a beautiful day in the neighborhood

This vacation is special for a lot of reasons.  First of all, it's just been a long time since The Hubs and I have had a break of any kind.  Secondly, this is the first trip to St. Simons that we've stayed someplace a second time.  We are in the house we stayed in on our last trip here, right before my (and The Hubs's) weight loss journey began in earnest.  While the house is the same, some things have changed.  The wood floors have been painted white, which opens up the space and looks cheerful, as does the new yellow paint color on the walls in the living/dining/kitchen area.  I am writing this on a big new sofa that sits where a futon used to be.  

Some other things have changed as well.  The cheval mirror in the bedroom doesn't bother me as much as it did the last time we were here!  Am I completely pleased with what I see in there?  No, of course not.  But it gives me a good view of how my body has changed.  As I've mentioned before, I don't have a full-length mirror at home.  (I should get one, I know.)  

The Hubs and I took a quick dip in the pool this afternoon, then sat in the sunshine for a while to dry off.  The water was just a touch chilly for us today, but I'm hoping it will get warmer this week and we can spend more time in the pool.  Morning and evening temperatures have been wonderful for good walks with the dog, and all of us are enjoying that...except for the early morning when the bed is warm and the dog is insistent that he wants to go out NOW!  The Hubs has been getting up for the first walks, which I appreciate.  Anyway, for this afternoon's pool visit I wore the swimsuit my cousin Judy had sent home with me in February, and I am grateful to have it.  It's cute and, dare I say, it's flattering.  It is also a little looser than when I first tried it on.  So even though my weight loss has been a little slower the last few months, I have made measurable progress.  After we came in from outside, I pulled on some shorts and took the dog for a walk, in my swimsuit top, and I wasn't mortified to be seen like that.  That kind of progress is beyond measure!  

I meant to pack my digital tell-me-every-sin-I-ever-committed scale for the trip, but I forgot it.  There is an old-school scale where we're staying, but it can only be a very general reference for this week.  I will admit that I am freaking out a little not having my own scale, but even my own scale would have little variances because of weather conditions here and different elevation above sea level.  I have found that, for me, weighing every day is a good strategy to keep myself accountable and on the straight-and-narrow.  The fact that I view my scale not as a nemesis but rather as an ally in my process is a huge paradigm shift for me.  But Mr. Old-School scale will serve the purpose for this week, and as long as my number doesn't go up, I'll be happy.  It might not be such a big deal except that my one-year checkup at the surgeon's office is the week after we get back. So I need to be sensible this week and pick my treats carefully.  

That said, I did indulge in a small bowl of Kooky Poofs yesterday.  They were delicious and a small bowl satisfied me.  Mostly I am trying to stick to my plan pretty closely.  The extra walks with the dog are good for me, and I am enjoying the outdoors, fresh, salty coastal air and sea breezes.  I am enjoying the relaxation and down time.  I am enjoying the chance to read all I want, nap and then read some more.

Life is pretty sweet at this moment, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to enjoy everything in a different way now.  Walking the dog the last time we were here was such a chore, because of how my body felt and the effort it took to do it.  Now I am enjoying it so much...with the exception of the first walk of the day when the bed is warm and I don't want to leave it just yet.  For all the miracles that have come from weight loss surgery, it can't change every single thing.  Getting smaller will never make me a morning person!  

  

Eleven Months Since Surgery

The New Normal and traveling


It has been a slow month for weight loss.  I am down a total of 124 pounds to date.  I've been doing some more scrounging through closets and drawers in recent weeks looking for old things that I can wear again.  I have a meeting coming up with my music fraternity students and since it's one in which we will recognize graduating seniors and install next year's officers, we dress in white.  So I went looking to see what I have that will work, and I was pleased to find several options for the occasion.  I just need to decide which one to wear.

I also started packing for our upcoming vacation.  I am notorious for over-packing and I always have been.  It's hard to predict the weather and I'm always afraid I'll need something and not have it.  I know I have too many clothes in my bag already, and I'll probably unpack and repack at least once between now and when we leave.  I am not much of a shorts-wearing girl, and the only ones I have are way too big, but I'm taking them anyway.  They have drawstrings so I can cinch the waists in and make them work.  I'm not buying new shorts until my weight is settled where it needs to be.

Packing my "health and beauty" bag will be different this trip, and from now on, because I have so many vitamins and supplements I need to take with me.  This is our first trip since my surgery so I'll be super-vigilant about making sure I've packed all the extra bottles, bars and pouches.  Just another part of The New Normal.

St. Simons Island is such a relaxing vacation spot, and over the years we've discovered a favorite little cafe there called Palm Coast Coffee.  We originally went there because it's an Internet cafe and we wanted to check e-mail and whatnot.  We also discovered that it has great food and wonderful regional atmosphere, with local artists' paintings on the walls and available for purchase.  Our last trip, on our way out of town, we stopped there for scones to take with us on the road, (something of a leaving-the-island tradition) and I asked if they had t-shirts with their logo on them.  I bought one in the largest size they had, knowing that, right then, it would not fit me...but knowing that eventually it would, once I had my surgery.

It fits me now and I've packed it to take with me, along with the fabulous Kissy Shirt that is way too big.  But I will never part with it, and I'll certainly never take a vacation without it.  A big part of The New Normal is figuring out what I am willing to let go of and what I am adamant about keeping.  And clothes are only a part of that process.  I am having to learn what attitudes and self-perceptions are still valid, as well as the ones that aren't accurate any longer.  I am no longer always the biggest person in the room, for example, but I still usually feel like I am, because I was for such a long time.  I am, in fact, getting really close to being of "average size", something I have not been in decades, and even when I was, I still felt fat because I was always hearing that I was fat.  I don't think I've ever felt average-sized, or more pointedly, normal.  In the words of a favorite author of mine, Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is just a setting on your dryer!"

The New Normal isn't about what I look like.  It's the way I live my life now in order to get and stay healthy and strong.  It's eating a new way, working activity into my routine and valuing myself enough to make the changes I need to make.  What I look like is just a by-product of The New Normal.

Vacation Fever

And another dimension of The New Normal


In a couple of weeks The Hubs and the dog and I will be getting ready to leave for our first vacation in 20 months.  That may not sound like a big deal, and it may not sound like all that long a time since we took a vacation.  But for a long time, we have been able to take at least 1 trip a year to a beachy location, and the occasional weekend trip to a cabin in the mountains near our home.  I'll admit, I've gotten spoiled.  But we work hard and those trips have been wonderful rewards for our work, as well as a way to recover from life's stresses and recharge our physical and emotional batteries.

Our last vacation was in September 2011, just about a month before our first consultation with my weight loss surgeon.  We had been to an informational seminar the month before, just to get some basic information about the process.  Our vacation was a bit of a belated 25th wedding anniversary gift to ourselves and each other, a 2 week trip to a favorite vacation spot, St. Simons Island, Georgia.  Never in our history had we been able to take 2 weeks off, and it was a glorious time of relaxation, a little sightseeing, reconnecting and, for me, hours upon hours of uninterrupted reading and crafting.  I read 3 books, completed 2 baby scrapbooks, worked on my ongoing family scrapbook project, and made I-don't-know-how-many photo note cards on that trip, as well as writing a bunch of letters.  Actual, handwritten, snail-mail letters.

Vacations for us have traditionally been a "sleep-all-we-want-eat-what-we-want-and-when-we-want-it" proposition.  A big indulgence for me on trips has been junk cereal.  Prior to surgery I was a big cereal eater, but for years my cereal of choice was low-fat granola.  Not a bad choice, but all carbs, and not part of my food plan any longer.  Vacations were the time when I allowed myself the treat of what I call Kooky Poofs (my generic name for sweetened wheat puffs like Sugar Smacks, Super Golden Crisps and the like).  Oh, how I loved me some Kooky Poofs!  Of course, there were other treats as well...cookies and crackers that we didn't usually keep around the house, Little Debbie snacks for the road trip down and back, all manner of unhealthy foods.

So, I am naturally feeling a little...not afraid, exactly, but a bit nervous, about how to integrate The New Normal into our vacation fun.  The Hubs has been on his own journey of shrinking, without surgical intervention (and he's doing great at it, by the way), so he may be wondering about our new food and fitness routines as well.  The only thing I've mentioned to him so far is that I want to climb the lighthouse this trip.  He climbed it once on an earlier trip during another period of weight loss for him, and did great.  I've never done it and I look forward to accomplishing this goal.  The house we have reserved for the week has a pool and I am praying that it's hotter than blazes while we're there so we can really enjoy using it.  Fun and joint friendly exercise.  A little exercise is built in when the dog joins us on a trip as well, because he needs walks a few times a day, and our little guy is going with us this trip.  He seems to enjoy the change of scenery as much as we do!

Our last trip was also 121 pounds ago for me, and at least 50 pounds ago for The Hubs.  I am thinking that has got to make a difference in our enjoyment of the trip.  Quality of life is a big part of why people decide they want to lose weight, and since my everyday quality of life is better, vacation may well be more enjoyable too.

I have always enjoyed trips with The Hubs and taking a break from the routine.  But honestly, there have been humiliations along the way in some of the places we've stayed over the years...bathtubs I couldn't fit into, steep staircases that hurt my ankles and hips, having to make sure our restaurant choices had tables and not just booths.  I am a lot more comfortable and confident in approaching new environments now because I can fit my body into smaller spaces.  The house we've reserved is the one we stayed in the last time we went there in 2011, so it isn't a truly new environment, but other places on the island may be as we may wish to do more exploring than we have in the past.  There are many places I want to see and photograph, and now that I have more energy, I may actually go and do that!

Our food choices will need to be healthier ones, while not feeling like we're totally depriving ourselves.  Moderation in these things is very important, including knowing when a little splurge is permissible.  I am learning along the way that I can allow myself the occasional small treat without wrecking my stomach and my program completely.  It just needs to indeed be occasional and small.  So...

Maybe a very small box of Kooky Poofs?

I'll let you know what I decide!  

Stretching...Body, Mind And Spirit

Exercises of various kinds


This week was long, interesting, and in some ways, painful.  I began the week by going to an exercise class with my gorgeous cousin, Judy, who had guest passes at her health club and shared the morning with me.  The class is called Body Flow, and it is a blend of yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi.  It lasted one hour and, while it stretched and challenged my body, I made it through the whole class without stopping and/or dying!  I consider that a victory.  I experienced some soreness for a couple of days afterward, but I expected to be sore so it wasn't a surprise.  This was much different from my normal routine of walking and resistance bands, after all.

A word about Christians and yoga.  I am only speaking for myself here.  I know many Christians think that  yoga is not appropriate for us because of its Eastern origins and emphasis on meditation.  My experience with yoga is limited, but what I enjoyed about it was the physical stretching it provided for my muscles and the improvement in flexibility I felt for days afterward as a result.  My personal meditations during the yoga classes I went to were prayers that Jesus would help me get through the class, that my body would benefit and, ultimately, that I could improve my health and serve Him better.  So judge me if you must, but yoga, if I approach it in this manner, might be the best exercise I can do.

After class, we enjoyed a healthy lunch and some much-needed girl time and conversation.  Sharing time like this with friends and family is so important, because so many areas of life pinch us into tiny corners of existence, spaces that are uncomfortable in many ways, limiting how we live our lives and express ourselves. Human beings need the spiritual, emotional and physical room to stretch, to enlarge ourselves...even as I try to reduce the size of my body I am aware of this paradox.  I need to stretch in order to shrink!

Every night this week my chorus rehearsed late for our performances with the city's symphony orchestra of Giuseppe Verdi's Requiem.  A standard of classical repertoire and one of the most demanding works in all of choral literature, the Verdi is something I had somehow never rehearsed or performed.  I am proud to say that I have survived my first experience with this work and my voice is intact!  One of the rehearsals almost did me in, however.  My back has been bothering me and I had a muscle cramp in between my ribs and a major dip in my blood sugar.  A blood sugar crash is one of the most unpleasant experiences one can imagine.  I began to feel faint, to sweat heavily and then to feel as though I might throw up.  So before the first half of rehearsal was done, I left the stage for some air, a chance to stretch my back, and a protein bar.  Not that I have a lot of color in my face to begin with, but looking in the backstage mirror was a shock because I had never seen myself that pale.  After resting and eating a bite, I was able to return for the second half and got through the remainder of practice fine, thanks in part to my friend Ronda's willingness to trade seats with me and let me move back to the second row.  I figured if I needed to sit, it would be less noticeable there, and she was gracious to let me switch seats with her.  On performance day I made sure that I ate enough throughout the day and immediately before the concert, and aside from the risers being uncomfortable (which they always are) I got through the concert feeling really good.  Singing a work that was brand-new to me was a wonderful exercise, musically, intellectually and emotionally...and singing is actually a pretty physical activity as well!

This concert concludes my chorus's spring season and we begin our summer break, so my Monday nights will be open for a few months.  I hope to find an exercise/yoga class over the summer that I can do during that time to get my body and mind stretched, limbered up and supple.  If not, my friend Sarah recommended that I start with beginning yoga DVDs, and that might be a great option at home.  I need to work on balance and flexibility in both my body and the rest of my life.

I think most of us do, if we are being honest.  So during the time on Monday nights when I am usually "gettin' my scream on!"  I will hope to start "gettin' my stretch on!".  My body, mind and spirit are a constant work in progress, and different kinds of exercise can only benefit me as I continue my journey with weight loss and spiritual growth.  

Cravings And Indulgences

Healthy and otherwise...


I can't blame it on The Cramp Fairy.  This has been the week after her visit.  I don't know what's been my problem this week, but my appetite has been out of control!  Not so much in the amounts I've been eating, but in the things I have been wanting to eat.  And I will admit to some unusual... indulgences.  I was fine over my weekend, but once my working week started, it seemed like I developed some really strong and strange food cravings.  And no, I am most definitely not pregnant.

We hear and read about premenstrual syndrome.  Is there such a thing as postmenstrual syndrome?  I know the week after The Cramp Fairy visits I usually have headaches.  This week also heralded the arrival of The Humility Pimple in one of its more glaring appearances of late.  I just feel discombobulated and out of sorts right now.  Fortunately my weekend is now underway and I can try to get myself back on the healthy wagon!

As much as anything I probably just need some decent rest.  Last Sunday I sang a solo in 2 church services, followed by the annual spring concert with my chamber group in which I also had a solo.  Even for me it was a lot of solo singing in one day.  And I enjoyed it all.  Aside from the normal activities I had an extra practice Thursday night with my chorus.  Friday night I attended a poetry reading by my college English professor, so I had a couple of late nights followed by early mornings.  And with allergy season in full swing and the fatigue that sometimes comes with those symptoms, I think it's all just started to catch up with me.

Back to the concert last Sunday, I had The Hubs take his video camera to record my solo.  It's impossible to judge what I sound like just from hearing the sounds as I make them, and I wanted to hear what my voice is sounding like since surgery and weight loss.  Such a drastic change in size can make for changes in the voice as well, and especially since singing feels so different now, I was curious to hear if it sounds as different as it feels.

Aside from a few issues with tuning where I was a little sharp, I sounded pretty good, considering.  The piece I sang seems to sit in a bit of a lower, more mellow part of my range, rather than the higher, brighter portion.  As a result of the key, my age and at least in part from the weight loss, my voice seems to sound a little fuller and richer.  At least it did on Sunday.  Who knows what a different song in a different key on a different day might produce?

As I give more careful thought to it, I realize that the creative process in my life is something I have always craved.  Webster's definition for the word "crave" includes " to yearn for", and I think that is accurate to describe my need/desire for creativity in my life.  I need it, not just to enjoy others' pursuits, but to participate in making my own.  Hearing my professor reading from his work the other night woke up something in a different, non-musical part of my creative spirit, and I find myself thinking more poetically as a result.  It's been forever since I wrote a poem (and I will be the first to admit that most of my poetry is not very good!).  Still, I think it might be good for me to start exploring this part of myself again, to indulge this poetic craving...to feed this part of my creative soul.

Who knows what future blog posts may hold?  Couplets, limericks and pantoums may be forthcoming!  All I know is this: a longtime friend told me years ago that all creative and artistic people have more than one outlet for expression, and I have seen this to be true over and over again.  Singers who write poems, poets who paint, painters who make pottery, potters who dance, dancers who play instruments...the possibilities are limitless.  But we all have this in common, that while we may have a primary focus of our art and craft, there are always more things that we enjoy doing and benefit from.  I am primarily a singer.  But I also enjoy writing, scrapbooking, cardmaking and photography.  As the spring concert season draws to a close, I hope to spend the summer exploring some of these other pursuits... indulging some of my other cravings.

 

Updating...And Downsizing

Ten Months Since Surgery


Ten months ago today, I had my weight loss surgery, so it's time for a monthly update on my progress.  To date I am down a total of 120 pounds (7 since last month's update, so this has been a better month for weight loss).  I never would have imagined that this much weight would be gone at this point, and I am grateful beyond measure.

Here ends the updating portion of this post.  Now it's time for the downsizing portion.  And I am talking about The Girls...again.

I have written in previous posts about The Girls and my many issues with their care and containment.  I had downsized into smaller bras last October, which made The Girls very happy.  In recent weeks I've noticed that they were needing once again to move into a smaller house, so I ordered new, smaller bras, which arrived in today's mail.  Once again, The Girls are very glad to have a new, better-fitting home.

One of my longstanding issues with bra fit has been my need for fuller cups and smaller bands around the ribcage.  Even at my largest/heaviest, I had an unusually small ribcage for the size cups I needed.  I was fortunate to find an Ebay seller who offers the bra I like, with a "defect" that actually works in my favor.  This seller offers factory seconds, and usually the only defect is a variance in the size of the ribcage band, either smaller or larger than factory standard.  I was able to find the size I needed, with a 3/4 inch smaller-than-standard ribcage band!  It works perfectly, giving me extra support underneath with enough fullness in the cup.

Most women in America are wearing the wrong size bra.  Usually the cups are too small and the ribcage is too large, resulting in overspillage from the cups and inadequate support from below.  Even women with smaller breasts need the proper support and coverage.  It isn't just a matter of vanity, it's a matter of breast health.  The breasts contain a complex network of milk ducts, lymph nodes and blood vessels, and the right bra, correctly fitted, is a necessity for good breast health, pulling The Girls up off the abdomen and elevating them to their proper place in the world!  In addition, the right bra, in the right size and shape for one's particular body type, relieves strain on the neck, back and shoulders, improves posture and helps clothing to fit better.  If I could, I would personally take every woman in the world to a custom fitter for the right bra in the right size.  It really makes that much difference.

Because I have a big heart under my Big Girls.

Recovery Never Stops

Something I need to keep in mind


Today I sang for a ladies group meeting at a local country club, a place where my Dad has played probably hundreds of dance gigs over the decades.  He has played trombone with numerous bands of all sizes since he was a teenager, and in every kind of venue imaginable, from the seediest dives to the swankiest clubs and restaurants.  Today was my first time to step inside this place and to sing for a group of lovely ladies who give their time and resources to this service organization.

Lunch was served, a delicious beef stir-fry with rice and vegetables.  I enjoyed my lunch and have plenty of leftovers to share with The Hubs for his supper tonight.  But I think I ate a little too quickly because I had some stomach discomfort afterward and became more than a little queasy.  I went to the ladies room and texted a quick message to The Hubs requesting prayer immediately because " I have to sing soon and I am nauseated."

These are the times when I am most grateful for modern technology.  Between e-mail, Facebook and text messaging, we can ask for immediate prayer support, what a friend of mine refers to as "sending up a prayer flare".  I was especially grateful for that chance today.  I really thought I might throw up.  The only reasons for such extreme queasiness today are that I may have eaten too fast...and The Cramp Fairy has landed.

I hate The Cramp Fairy.  I hate her like poison.

Anyway, prayer helped.  I made it through my program without vomiting and hightailed it back home.  As I changed my clothes, I spied that old pair of Levi's I've been trying to fit myself back into for a while now.  These are mid-90's-old-school-hard-core-no-stretch Levi's that I'm talking about.  I decided I'd give it another try.

I zipped myself into them!  Holy Moly, I zipped myself back into them!  And I didn't have to lie down on the bed to do it!

Since they are old-school-no-stretch jeans, I'll probably let a few more pounds drop away before I try wearing them for a day at work, which is basically 12 hours from the time I leave to the time I get back home.  The point is, I could get back in them, and I didn't really think I was there yet.

As I write this, my stomach is feeling much better, although it is making some really disquieting noises that lead me to believe I am not quite out of the queasy woods just yet.  As far as I've been blessed to travel down the weight loss path, I am not fully recovered yet, even now, nearly 10 months after surgery.  Today reminds me that I've got a long way to go, and in truth, it will never really be "done".

Even once goal weight is achieved, I'll have to be diligent to maintain it.  I will still need to work on my body's health, conditioning and strength.  I will be taking massive doses of vitamins and other supplements for the rest of my life.  I will always have to pace myself when I eat to avoid the problems of clumping and dumping.

I will always be a weight loss patient.

Easter, New Beginnings...

...and a new lease on life


Holy Week was busy and hectic, musically and otherwise.  I began the week singing with a church choir where I've been assisting as a soprano reinforcement.  Springtime where I live is challenging in some ways because of allergies, and my hay fever has started to give me a little trouble.  Compounding this issue is the fact that my allergy pill of choice is no longer available in the U.S.  (Thanks so much to all the Meth Makers of America, for using good medicine to make bad poison, thus making my particular good medicine impossible to get now.)  So last Monday and Tuesday I spent the day at home with snotty nose, sore throat and cranky disposition.  If I'm not careful, allergy congestion can settle and become an infection, either going into nose and ears or down into throat and chest.  So I stayed home and treated my symptoms the best ways I knew how.

Those 2 crash and medicine days helped enough to get me through Holy Week and Easter services with my voice more or less intact, for which I am grateful.  It's been cooler and wetter here than normal for springtime.  We actually concluded the Good Friday service outside in a chilly, misting rain.  After being "in-between" churches for a long time, it was wonderful to participate in these services and to share music with this choir and church family.

So much for the musical and spiritual life portion of this post.  On to the shrinking portion.  My Easter dress was a size MEDIUM!  Most people would not recognize this as anything especially important, but plus-size and/or formerly plus-size folk know that to fit into a size medium is a big deal indeed.  And the dress I chose was an actual springtime color, a medium blue knit with short sleeves, ankle-length, with a tie at the empire waist.  I had ordered it online from a clothing line I've worn and loved for years, from my largest size until now.  The color I wanted was not available in the size large that I thought I needed, so I prayed and ordered the medium.

I had an "epiphany" moment when I got to church and saw myself in the full length mirror inside the choir robe closet.  The dress not only fit me, but it looked really nice.  Smooth, not clingy or bunchy anywhere, no lumps, bumps or bulges showing.  It didn't even look like me!

But there I stood, looking at myself, not looking like myself...at least, not the way I used to look.  I know this post has focused a lot on the visual aspect of shrinkage.  The thing is, the outside appearance is just a visual sign of what is happening on the inside.   My body is getting healthier and stronger.  My hips and ankles feel so much better.  My heart and lungs have a better chance to work the way they are supposed to.

Springtime, and Easter especially, bring the hope of renewal, revival and a fresh start.  And that is what weight loss surgery has helped me to find, a fresh start and the hope of renewal for my health.  I am so grateful for the chance to regain a healthier life, not just for me but for the people I share my life with.        

Joyful Noises

Lots of music going on right now

The next few weeks are going to be filled with music, both practicing and performing.  And while it's a commitment of time and energy, it is also one of the things I was born to do.  Mama always said when I was born I "came out singing"!  I have no memory of singing at my birth, obviously.  But I have been singing pretty much my entire life for as long as I can remember.

For the past few weeks I've been rehearsing with a local church to sing with them during Holy Week.  My friend who sings with them told me that they were looking for a soprano reinforcement for Holy Week services.  My first service singing with them was this morning's Palm Sunday service.  The choir is small but dedicated and I am enjoying my time with them.  This week we will rehearse on Wednesday for services on Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday.  With my normal chorus practice on Monday night, it's going to be a full week.

Tuesday night is my college choir's home concert which concludes their annual spring break tour, and I look forward to hearing and seeing them perform.  Many of my music fraternity students are in the choir and they have posted tour updates on Facebook.  I was an 8-semester member of this same choir when I was in college, and memories of my own tour experiences have been flooding my heart and mind as they have shared theirs.  Giving up our spring break every year to go out on tour and recruit for the college might seem like a sacrifice to some people, but it never really did to me.  I got to experience such wonderful moments of musical and spiritual inspiration, strengthening the bonds of friendship, growing in leadership and service, laughing and crying and singing.

Always singing.

There have been times in my life when I have let my singing go for long periods, rationalizing that I didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do it.  After Mama died I didn't sing for a long time.  My heart was not in it.  Before I knew it, 11 years had passed since I'd sung with my chorus!  I am so grateful that they took me back and let me sing again.  It's an honor I hope never to take for granted.

More music follows Easter, with a ladies club meeting I have been asked to do a program for on that Wednesday, dress rehearsal on Saturday for my chamber group's annual spring concert on Sunday, as well as a solo in both services before the chamber group concert.  The week after that is rehearsals for the big chorus's engagement performing the Verdi Requiem with our city's symphony orchestra.  That is a 2-night gig, but I am only singing the first night because the second night, 2 of my music fraternity students are performing their junior/senior recital and I don't want to miss that.

What an abundance of joyful noises I get to be a part of, either by singing or by listening!  And what a blessing to be able to do so.  I will pray for the strength and energy to do all of this while maintaining my day job and trying to eat healthily during the crazy rehearsal and gig schedule.  God is good and will take care of me.  He always has.

Psalm 13:6---"I will sing unto the Lord, for He hath dealt bountifully with me."

  

Tests, Trials And Temptations

Updates from recent doctor visits and testing

The results from my Slam-O-Gram came in the mail, and The Girls have a clean bill of health!  Everything there was "negative/benign" according to the evaluation, so, barring any unforeseen issues, I don't have to go back for a year.  Unfortunately, my iron check was not quite as good.  While taking the iron supplement has helped and my iron level is improved, I am still deficient/anemic, so I have to continue taking the extra iron until I get my 1-year labs drawn at the end of May.  And I will run by Dr. Awesome's office this week to get my liver panel rechecked since some of those levels were "a tad elevated" at my physical in February.

My weight plateau seems to have broken, in part most likely due to a visit from The Cramp Fairy.  It was not a particularly heavy period this time, but it was more than just spotting, and enough to trigger a 4-day headache once it was over.  My uterus is confused and so am I.  Anyway, I skipped pounds 114 and 115 and went straight to a total of 116 pounds lost to date.  I was told prior to surgery that the weight loss would slow down, so it doesn't surprise me.  It can be annoying, but I just have to stick with the plan and be patient while this last leg of the shrinking phase happens.  I have gone through way too much and come way too far to let anything derail me.

The trial of the Valentine's Day candy frenzy came and went without too much hooplah.  But the Easter candy craze has special significance and comes with more temptation, in the form of Reese's Eggs.  My Mama loved  her some Reese's Eggs (which was a little odd, since she didn't have any special fondness for the peanut butter cups that were around all year).  So the eggs were something she and I would share around Easter.  Once she became too ill to do her own shopping, I would stock her up on them, and the last Easter before she died, I bought her a big bunch of the 6-egg trays, some for right then and a lot to freeze and enjoy later in the year.  When she died in December, there were a lot of leftover eggs still in the freezer.  Dad wasn't eating chocolate and would never eat them, so I gradually worked my way through them over the course of the next year.  I even took one to Mama's grave right before Easter the first year she was gone, sat at her grave talking to her and eating my Reese's Egg, almost like a little picnic.  I was glad the cemetery was deserted because if anyone had seen this little repast they would have called the men with the white coats to "come and get this crazy fat lady talking to herself and eating chocolate!"

The Hubs knows all about my history with Reese's Eggs and why they are so special, and he very thoughtfully bought one for me the other night.  Only one, not a package, which was the thoughtful part.  And I ate it yesterday while I was at work, half in the morning and half later on.  I enjoyed it, the flavor and texture...but most of all, I enjoyed the memories of all the times Mama and I shared them.

So I yielded to a little temptation.  That is going to happen from time to time.  The difference now is that I stopped at one and was satisfied with that.  After Easter is over, the eggs will be gone for another year, but other temptations will always be around.  Stepping on the scale and seeing 116 pounds gone from my body is a big motivator to stick to the plan most of the time, and to return to it quickly after those moments when I stray a little.

Tricks Of The (Shrinking) Trade

Some things that are helping me along the way


A famous, former talk show hostess has a list of her favorite things.  We all have our favorites, items that make life easier, more comfortable, more pleasant.  As I have walked down the weight loss surgery preparation and recovery path, I've discovered, or rediscovered, a number of things that have helped to make the process better, smoother and more bearable.  So, in no particular order, I wanted to share some of those items and tips here.

1)  Chili is my friend.  Both now and during the soft-food diet phase, I have found chili to be a nutritious and tasty source of protein and fiber.  These days there are many good canned chili brands on the market, and a number of them are fairly low in fat and contain substantial amounts of protein and fiber.  I mean, really, meat and beans?  A great safe choice for weight loss patients.  Just read the label and watch for too much fat and sodium.  If you make chili at home you can control the ingredients and tailor it to your own taste buds as well.

2)  Diet V-8 Splash.  My favorite flavor is the Tropical Blend.  According to their website:  "Each 8-ounce serving has only 10 calories. Diet V8 Splash has 2 grams of sugar and 3 grams of carbohydrates per serving. An 8-ounce serving of Diet V8 Splash is a free food exchange according to the Exchange Lists for Meal Planning, 2003 by the American Diabetes Association and the American Dietetic Association."  A serving also provides 100% of daily recommended vitamin C.  I like it because it counts toward my daily liquid intake, gives me a zing of citrus and it's very good at masking the flavor and smell of the massive horse pill vitamins I need to take now.  There are other flavors to choose from as well.

3)  V-8 Vegetable Juice Cocktail, low sodium.  I have enjoyed V-8 all my life, whether I've been trying to shrink or not.  It is an easy and flavorful way to get liquid, some healthy carbs and a few servings of vegetables. An 8-ounce serving has 50 calories, 140 mg of sodium, no fat, 10 grams of healthy carbs and 2 grams of protein.  It's filling and tasty, and since I am not supposed to snack until I have reached goal weight, it also provides a way to tame my growly stomach between meals.  It's also a good source of fiber.

4)  Oberto Barbecue Pork Jerky.  A 1-ounce serving has 90 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 7 grams of carbs and a whopping 10 grams of protein.  I like the barbecue pork flavor because it is softer and less dry than other jerky varieties, and easier to chew.  It also has a bit of a baconesque quality from the seasoning that I find really satisfying and delicious.

5)  Diet drink sticks.  Weight loss patients have to stay well hydrated and drink at least 64 ounces of liquid daily.  Flavored water counts toward that daily total.  There are many brands such as Crystal Light in countless fruity and tea flavors.  Since I am off of all caffeine now, I like to mix a decaf tea flavor and a lemonade flavor together in a 32-ounce bottle, which will last me more than half the day.  Decaf tea flavor is a little less common, but it is available and worth hunting for.  I like the sticks for their small, single-serving size and portability and, much like with pain medication, I never leave home without them!

6)  Various creature comforts.  Comfy pajamas are indispensable.  Especially during the immediate post-op and recovery phase, I needed snuggly sleepwear to cradle my sore, painful body as it healed from surgery.  The rest of the time, I need cozy pj's to help me unwind from the crazy, hectic pace of the world around me.  Ditto for things like scented bubble bath and aromatherapy items.  Things like that can really enhance one's mood with a sense of calmness and well-being.  Comfortable, properly-fitting undergarments are also important, especially in the shrinking process.  Underwear and bras that fit correctly help to hitch things up and pull them in, which helps clothes on the outside to fit the way they are supposed to.  Even if "granny panties" are your undies of choice, they still need to fit properly.  Nothing much ruins an outfit like lumps and bumps from a way-too-big pair of drawers!

These are just some of the things that are helping me in the shrinking process.  Documenting the journey is also helpful, as I've been doing with this blog.  Lots of people document the process with photographs or a video diary.  For me, sharing my journey in writing seemed like the most natural choice, and I've been surprised how much it has actually helped me to work some of my "stuff" out.  Like the process of shrinking, the writing is also a work in progress, a path...a journey.  And it may be contributing to my health and wellness just as much as the weight loss is.

Finding My Voice...Again

And in more ways than one...


I sang for a celebration of life service a couple of nights ago, an annual event presented by the hospice where I volunteer.  My accompanist for the service was a fellow I met when he was a college student and member of the music fraternity for which I serve as chapter mother.  We have been in touch off and on but had not seen each other since August.  When we got to the church, I asked him to be honest about 2 things:  my outfit and my voice. 

He said my outfit was great and he really liked my boots.  After the service was over and we were having some supper, I asked how I am sounding now.  He said that he could hear that I am finding my voice in a different place now. 

I have written before in this blog about how, as a singer, my body is my instrument.  Singers don't just sing from the throat (at least, they aren't supposed to, it's not good technique and it's not healthy).  The voice comes from the core of the body, supported by a muscle called the diaphragm.  We are trained to imagine that, when we breathe, we are filling the lungs from the bottom up.  But we are not supposed to breathe very visibly.  I can't count the times my college voice professor would yell as I inhaled, "Don't let your breasts move!"  Breathing involves the ribs and intercostal muscles, the abdominals and the entire center of the body...just breathing.

Once the air has filled the lungs it is passed between the vocal folds, more commonly called the vocal cords.  And just so you know, they are not vocal chords.  They are cords, as in, little bands of muscle covered by a thin layer of mucosa, among the tiniest muscles in the human body, and the strongest.  These cords are brought together and separated by other muscles within the larynx to make sound and stop making sound.  When a person undergoes an operation requiring general anesthesia, a breathing tube is inserted down the throat, and that tube passes between the vocal cords.  Singers, teachers of singing,  radio broadcasters and other public speakers are among the people who use their voices in a very specialized fashion, and they can often tell a difference in their voices once surgery is over and recovery begins.

My own voice has felt different since surgery, and that difference has made me feel a little off-balance.  So when my friend said that he could hear that I'm finding my voice in a different place, that made sense to me.  I asked if he thought I could recover from it and he said, "I don't think it's something to 'recover' from as much as it is just something to adjust to."  My voice (or at least its mechanical process) is changing because my body is changing; making sound feels different now. Some of the differences can be attributed to my age and hormones, while others are definitely due to surgery and weight loss.

I have often read and heard about the process of writers finding their voices as well.  Writing this blog has certainly helped me to do that, at least, as much as I understand what that is!  I don't consider myself a "writer" so much;  I am just sharing my experiences and writing is one of the ways I do it.  Singing is, too.  Deep inside all of us, I believe, is a need to be heard and understood, to tell our truth and to tell it in our own one-of-a-kind way.  Singing has always been my first method of choice to fill that need.  Writing is becoming a fairly close second.  My friend was right...I am finding my voice in a different place.

Nine Months Since Surgery (Almost)

And this month has not been great for weight loss

This Wednesday will be my official 9-month surgi-versary, and as of today I am down a total of 113 pounds, which means that in the past month I have only lost about 3 pounds.  I am trying not to become too frustrated by that.  I realize that weight loss patients have plateaus, times when the body has a chance to catch up with all the changes it is experiencing.  I still have 40-50 pounds that need to come off, and this leg of the journey will go more slowly.  It's normal and to be expected.

Tuesday morning I went for my Slam-O-Gram.  I have not received my results yet, which is probably a good thing.  Several years ago, a spot showed up that required further testing, and the office called me right away to let me know I needed to come back in for follow-up.  So I am assuming that no news is good news for this year's smashing extravaganza!

Tomorrow I need to run by the surgeon's office to get blood drawn to see if my iron deficiency anemia has improved.  I've been taking an iron supplement since my checkup in December and I'm hoping that my iron level is better now.  I also have not had a major period since November, (and the November one was indeed major) which may have a positive impact as well.

Early last month I had a couple of days when I felt terrible.  I ran a low-grade fever, felt achy all over, tired and just generally unwell, almost fluish.  Then I had a couple of days of very light spotting, after which I felt better.  My hormones may indeed be taking me into menopause for real now, which I hope is the case.  I'm just ready to be done with Period Madness, The Hormone Zone, whatever one prefers to call it.

Last night my chorus and chamber chorale had our annual Young Classical Musicians Concert, the one where we give scholarships and showcase the winners of our YCM Contest.  Last night's young performers were 3 outstanding high school students who performed with great poise, musicality and immense talent.  Seeing and hearing young musicians who excel gives me hope for the future of music in our society and the world.  Last night's concert was also the debut of The Diva's new Batwings, the jacket for our concert wear.  It's wonderful to have better-fitting Batwings, and I think that I will go the extra step and get the sleeves hemmed, maybe not in time for the April concerts, but if not, then definitely over the summer.

My cousin Judy and I spent Tuesday afternoon together having lunch and girl time.  After lunch we went to her house, where she eased me into the swimsuit trying-on world again by letting me try on some suits from her swimsuit drawer.  It was nice to have an honest yet kind person with me to offer opinions on what worked for me, style-and color-wise, and especially what did not work for me.  She sent me home with one that she said worked very well for me and has a lot of adjustability so it may still work in May when we go on vacation.  Judy and I are just about the same size right now, although she is much taller and we are shaped differently.  I think Judy has a wonderful figure so it surprised me that I could now fit into some of her clothes.  Then she started pulling out other things to try on, including some jeans and a gorgeous designer dress she had bought last year and worn to a show while she was in New York.  The dress was stunning, both on her tall, long-legged body and on my shorter, curvier one.  You know a dress is well-designed when it can look wonderful on 2 such different body types!

After I got home from work Friday night, I went on a little trip down memory lane in my own closet, digging into a box of very old dresses, some from as far back as college.  I tried on several of my former favorites, and a few of them fit me again.  A few others will need to wait until I have shrunk some more, but they're close.  My "lucky dress", a green satiny jacquard number with a dropped blouson waist, fits me again almost as well as it ever did.  It became "lucky" when I wore it for vocal performer's contest my senior year of college and won.  Then I wore it again for a regional singing competition a week or two later and made the finals, something I had never done before.  Fitting my body into it again was a surprise, like an unexpected meeting with an old friend.    

So, while my numerals on the scale have not moved that much this past month, there has still been progress, and there is more progress yet to be made.  The journey is for the rest of my life.  A healthy life isn't something I can achieve and then mark off my bucket list.  It is something that I will have to choose to achieve daily, hourly sometimes, much like any other kind of recovery.  One day at a time.

 

 

Many Shades Of Black

New footwear, Bird Legs and "The Batwings"


Shrinkage has some surprising benefits, and the more I shrink, the more benefits I am discovering.  I have been on a little bit of a buying jag lately, mostly online shopping for sale items or things I needed to replace.  Weight loss has affected my feet and I am back in shoes that I haven't worn in a long time.  For years I wore open-style comfort shoes, Birkenstocks mostly, and a lot of my Birks are now too large, so I have bought a few new shoes and boots.

It started with a sweet new pair of Converse Chuck Taylors just after Christmas, black with double tongues and pink trim.  I was afraid they would be too narrow but they have worked out wonderfully and I wear them at least once a week.  Then I decided it was time for some new serious winter-weather booties, pile-lined, warm and waterproof.  I love online shopping with a mission!  I pored over websites for weeks and finally decided on a pair of waterproof black, suede booties with 2 zips up the sides in front and a sturdy, stable lug sole.  They arrived 9 days ago and I've already worn them 4 times!  LOVE these new little boots, and again, my concerns over width were unnecessary.  I am also looking forward to the next big rain because I found a pair of wellies at a ridiculously low price.  They are black with red lipstick prints all over them.  Perfectly fitting for a Diva like me, very cute and they should keep my feet and legs dry in the rain/snow/sleet, and the shafts are plenty wide enough for my pant legs to fit down into.

Because I work in an environment where the temperature is a little cooler than I am comfortable in, I have also been looking online at various kinds of  "warmwear", fleece-lined clothing and the like.  I found some black, fleece-lined leggings at a good price in the right size, so I bought a couple of pairs, reasoning that if they were not suitable to wear as pants I could probably wear them under my jeans as a warm layering piece.  I took the plunge and wore my leggings to work this week with a longish sweater and my suede booties.  This was a risky move for me, as I haven't worn leggings in years, even around the house, much less in public!  Looking in the full-length mirror in the ladies room it struck me that my thighs don't touch anymore.  I don't know when this happened, and I can't remember a time when my thighs haven't rubbed together.

A friend at work joked, saying, "You have bird legs."  I said, "Bird legs, really?"  Then he clarified by saying that I was just really slimming down.  And I replied that that was the idea, after all.  Slimming down, getting healthier and feeling better.  Bird legs are better than painful legs any day of the week.

The chorus I sing with has specific concert attire, a sort of uniform.  The men wear black tuxes and the women wear a plain, sleeveless black dress with a black chiffon jacket on top.  I have always referred to the jacket as "The Batwings".  When I returned to my chorus in 2009, at my largest size, I ordered my Batwings.  My bust measurement was such that my jacket was a custom order.  It was embarrassing and expensive, and because of the expense of the jacket, the lady in charge of dresses at the time told me that if I had a simple black ankle-length or longer dress to wear under the jacket, I wouldn't have to order the dress.  So I've been making do with a couple of different black dresses under my Batwings all this time.

My Batwings have never fit properly.  I suppose it is always easier to hem up a too-long sleeve than to have not enough length in the sleeve to begin with, but my sleeves have always been way too long.  Since we are holding up music folders, the sleeves slide up my arm anyway so it hasn't really mattered all that much.  I never bothered to get them hemmed.  My old Batwings, however, have seen their last concerts as of this past fall season.  I got measured in January with a few new members of our chorus and I'm happy to report that next week's concert will be the debut performance of my new, smaller Batwings.  I can either give my old Batwings away or I may keep them to use as a swimsuit cover-up.  It's just so great to have a new jacket in a smaller size.  Maybe next year, after I have reached my goal weight, I will order the official chorus dress as well, but it doesn't make sense to do it before I've finished shrinking.  I kind of like wearing my own dresses anyway,  because they don't have a slit up the back and the official dress does.  I'm not a huge fan of the slit.  I don't think I have the legs for it.

Even if they are Bird Legs.

An Update From My Physical

And some other stuff


The nurse at Dr. Awesome's office called late last week with the results of the blood work from my physical.  Lots of good news there.  My fasting blood sugar was 78, which pleased me greatly.  Over the past several years, while never severe, my fasting blood sugar had been gradually creeping up and that concerned me.  Being so overweight and having such a huge family history of diabetes on both sides did not bode too well for me staying on the non-diabetic side of the spectrum.  So I was relieved that my blood sugar this time was where it was.

My total cholesterol was 130, which also pleased me.  I had written in my last post that since I am eating so much more animal protein now, I was concerned that my cholesterol might be out of whack.  My ratio of good-to-bad cholesterol still needs work.  My LDL (the bad kind) was 88, and my HDL (the good kind) was 33.  They'd like my HDL to be above 50, so I'll be seeing what I can do to improve those ratios.  And my triglycerides were 61, which is great.

A couple of things showed up that I need to be rechecked for in a month.  A couple of my liver levels were, in the nurse's words, "a tad elevated", so I will get those rechecked in 4 weeks.  This may be related to the biliopancreatic portion of my surgery.  I am not experiencing any pain or symptoms that would make me suspect that my liver is sick, so I am hopeful that this is no big deal.

The urine test showed ketones, which is common after weight loss surgery, or any other kind of rapid weight loss.  The body, instead of burning carbohydrates for fuel, is burning fat, and that throws ketones into the urine.  Dr. Awesome also told me that there was bilirubin in the urine.  I am still doing research to find out what that means and to learn if it is related to the liver levels.  It could be awful or it could be no big deal.  I feel fine so I'm not going to get all twitchy about it just yet.

On to more pleasant things, I am looking forward to a vacation with The Hubs and the dog in a few months...and I need a new swimsuit.  I have been looking online at what is available and a disturbing trend I'm seeing is the return of the super-high-cut leg.  I will still be in the market for a suit with a skirt, thank you very much!  At least for this year, I will want a skirt.  There are wiggly-jiggly things in my abdomen, hip and thigh area that I don't think anyone needs to see.  I found one that I almost ordered, but then I remembered that it is too early for me to buy something because the size I guesstimate in February may not be right in May.

I have no idea what size I would need in a swimsuit now, much less in 3 months.  I may actually have to try on swimsuits in a store.  Horror of horrors!  No matter what size, shape or age we are, trying on swimsuits is a universally unpleasant experience for women.  Unflattering fluorescent lights plus dry, flaky pre-swimsuit-season skin equal a confidence-busting trip to the mall.  No matter what size, shape or age we are, we can all find something not to like about the way we look, especially in swimwear.  It's just part of being female.

One of the very best cards anyone ever sent me addressed this issue.  I've kept this card for nearly 25 years because of the letter my friend wrote on the inside, and because of the way it still makes me laugh after all these years.

On the front is a cartoon lady and the caption reads, "I tried on last year's swimsuit the other day."

Open the card and the punchline reads, "Perhaps you heard the explosion."