Saturday 1-28-12
Why even skinny people can sometimes look bad...
I mentioned in an earlier post that I was accepted to an extended unit of Clinical Pastoral Education at my city's teaching hospital. Doing this class, and the clinical hours and on-call requirements that it entails, have been glorious, exhausting, intense and humbling. And I am just getting my feet wet, really.
Last Sunday night I was on-call at the hospital. My job schedule limits the way I have to schedule my on-call nights, which I can only do on Sunday night going into Monday morning. Normally on Sunday I have clinical hours starting at 1 pm, and the on-call period starts at 4:30 pm and lasts until 8:30 the following morning. The chaplain on call the night before conducts the morning chapel service and then presents the morning report. Because of the way my clinical hours are set up, when I am on-call, I will actually be at the hospital from 1 pm on Sunday afternoon until my seminar is over at 5 pm on Monday afternoon. Then there is music practice after that. So now my Marathon Mondays are much more marathon-ish. And yes, it was exhausting, but a wonderful experience. I will be doing this twice a month until the unit is over in late May.
I slept for about one hour during my time at the hospital because we had several traumas come in during the night and my pager kept going off. The morning after my night on call, I was able to get a quick shower without being paged, thank God. But looking at myself in the mirror as I attempted to put on my makeup and start another day, I could see every minute of the night before showing up on my face and my body.
I had walked my feet off rounding the hospital and hurrying to the trauma bay numerous times overnight, as well as to various patient rooms for visits when called, so my posture was definitely sagging. Although I know that the exercise is good for me, there had been an overabundance of activity that night. I had rubbed a blister on one of my heels and felt like I had shin splints. And the bags under my eyes were the size of steamer trunks. Sometimes even the most skillful application of concealer just won't cover what I want covered, and the bags were definitely making their presence known in a most visible way.
Then I noticed it, as big as life and twice as ugly, staring smugly at me from the side of my chin like a school bully who has just made me run squawling to my Mama. The Humility Pimple. You know the one...the one that shows up at the most inopportune moments. Like prom. Or the reunion you want to look so polished and put-together for. Or the wedding/funeral/family holiday/first date that you've anticipated, planned and prepared for. It's The Zit that seems to laugh at you and say, "Oh, how I have missed you! I know you must be thrilled to see me, too. So glad I could make it for your big event! Wouldn't want to feel too good about ourselves, now would we?"
Yeah...not so much.
I am realizing more all the time that losing weight is only going to address some of my self-image issues. There will still be things that, frankly, will just make me look crappy sometimes...things like exhaustion, hormones, stress and The Humility Pimple. Even skinny people probably struggle with something, at some point or other, regarding their appearances. And once I am thinner and healthier, there will still be things I can't control about what I see in the mirror. My hope in this process is that I will be able to appreciate my improved health and energy, and to be grateful for feeling better, even (or especially) on days when I have sags, bags, or even The Humility Pimple.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Drumroll, Please!
Thursday 1-12-12
I have lost 25 pounds...
It seems like I should be more excited about this milestone, but I still have so much more weight to lose, it just feels like a drop in the bucket. It's important to remember that even small steps in the right direction will get me to where I need to be. The bigger, more rapid losses are coming after surgery.
I went to get my hair cut and permed this past Tuesday and I had not seen my hairstylist since my last haircut, which was the same day as my first visit with my surgeon. She said that she could tell a difference in how my face and neck look, which is nice of her to say whether it's true or not! She is wonderfully supportive of my efforts and said she looks forward to "going on this journey" with me, which I thought was really sweet. A good hair person is very much like a therapist in that he/she is usually a very good listener.
I ordered a Tanita scale to use, similar to the one at the surgeon's office, but a consumer model. I hope to keep more accurate records using this tool...and I find it ironic that, for the first time in my life, I am actually kind of excited about having a new scale. Maybe I really am changing in this process!
The progress with the CPAP feels slow. It isn't uncomfortable, exactly, but I am always very aware of it, if that makes any sense. I am still learning how to adjust the mask and make it as unobtrusive as possible...but the miracle of instantly better sleep quality has eluded me thus far. I've done some research and all the information suggests that it takes a little time to actually feel that sleep is improved. I am definitely ready to start reaping the rewards of my CPAP use, because I seem to be feeling especially tired right now. Maybe all the craziness of the holidays and how sick I was still has me running at a bit of an energy deficit. I may be a wild woman tonight and sleep without the machine.
Look at me, living on the edge!
I have lost 25 pounds...
It seems like I should be more excited about this milestone, but I still have so much more weight to lose, it just feels like a drop in the bucket. It's important to remember that even small steps in the right direction will get me to where I need to be. The bigger, more rapid losses are coming after surgery.
I went to get my hair cut and permed this past Tuesday and I had not seen my hairstylist since my last haircut, which was the same day as my first visit with my surgeon. She said that she could tell a difference in how my face and neck look, which is nice of her to say whether it's true or not! She is wonderfully supportive of my efforts and said she looks forward to "going on this journey" with me, which I thought was really sweet. A good hair person is very much like a therapist in that he/she is usually a very good listener.
I ordered a Tanita scale to use, similar to the one at the surgeon's office, but a consumer model. I hope to keep more accurate records using this tool...and I find it ironic that, for the first time in my life, I am actually kind of excited about having a new scale. Maybe I really am changing in this process!
The progress with the CPAP feels slow. It isn't uncomfortable, exactly, but I am always very aware of it, if that makes any sense. I am still learning how to adjust the mask and make it as unobtrusive as possible...but the miracle of instantly better sleep quality has eluded me thus far. I've done some research and all the information suggests that it takes a little time to actually feel that sleep is improved. I am definitely ready to start reaping the rewards of my CPAP use, because I seem to be feeling especially tired right now. Maybe all the craziness of the holidays and how sick I was still has me running at a bit of an energy deficit. I may be a wild woman tonight and sleep without the machine.
Look at me, living on the edge!
Friday, January 6, 2012
CPAP and The Big Girl Britches
Friday 1-6-12
Sounds like a good name for a bluegrass band...
My CPAP machine (continuous positive airway pressure) for sleep apnea was delivered and I finally got it set up and began using it. My particular case of sleep apnea does not require me to wear a full mask for sleeping, just a small apparatus that looks a little bit like a snorkel, with what are referred to in the sleep apnea business as "nose pillows". So my headgear is not as uncomfortable as I had imagined it would be, although I will admit that the sensation of air being gently forced into my nostrils is a little strange and will take some getting used to. Like undertaking anything else new, adjusting to the CPAP will take a little time.
The Big Girl Britches also arrived this week, what I hope will be the last ones I ever have to purchase. For my CPE class and general hospital dress code, jeans are not allowed and I needed another pair of non-denim pants to wear on CPE days. I went to one of my favorite sources for plus-size clothing and ordered a pair of the pants I love in black, in the same ginormous size I've been wearing for years. So I waited a day or two before trying them on, and last night when I finally did try them on, I just pulled them on over my flannel pajama pants. It surprised me that, even with flannel pants on under them, they fit with room to spare! I haven't lost enough weight yet for people to really begin noticing (and that's not the reason I'm doing this anyway) but feeling the difference in fit of the new Big Girl Britches was satisfying.
There are other Big Girl Britches that I need to put on, and I am struggling with it. At some point I have to tell my Dad that I am having surgery, and I just don't look forward to it at all. I considered not telling him about it, but then I reconsidered because, A) I would want to know if he were having surgery, and B) God forbid something should go wrong and my Hubs have to explain, "Well, she went in for weight loss surgery and didn't plan on ending up dead, maimed, comatose, etc." It is my responsibility to tell him myself. I just need to pick my moment and state the fact that, "I am having weight loss surgery on such-and-such date and thought that you might want to know." He may be completely supportive of the idea, but I am past caring whether he is or isn't. I just know that I dread telling him.
Our history regarding my size holds unpleasant associations for me, memories of his well-meaning sermons on my health and the humiliation I felt as a result of them. He has always asserted that he only has my best interests at heart and is only concerned for my health...and I know that he is concerned about my physical health. My emotional and psychological well-being, unfortunately, have never mattered much to him as far as I can tell.
Without going into a lot of detail, I will simply state once more that my Dad is a Fatophobe. He is insensitive to the feelings of plus-sized people, seeing us as pathetic sad sacks whose size is a symptom of a flawed character. We are not presentable. We could change ourselves if we just had some self-discipline. He is disrespectful of fat folk the way some people are disrespectful of someone of a different race or religion. I grew up hearing him refer to a couple of large neighborhood people as "Fat (female name)" or "Fat (male name)". Their fatness was how he defined them. And my fatness is how he has defined me.
Chances are decent that, once I am no longer as visibly fat, he will find some other fault with which to define me. I have to prepare myself for that possibility. Accepters accept, and judgers judge. I also have to deal with the fact that, just as he has always judged me, I judge him too. In that way I am very much my father's daughter.
Sounds like a good name for a bluegrass band...
My CPAP machine (continuous positive airway pressure) for sleep apnea was delivered and I finally got it set up and began using it. My particular case of sleep apnea does not require me to wear a full mask for sleeping, just a small apparatus that looks a little bit like a snorkel, with what are referred to in the sleep apnea business as "nose pillows". So my headgear is not as uncomfortable as I had imagined it would be, although I will admit that the sensation of air being gently forced into my nostrils is a little strange and will take some getting used to. Like undertaking anything else new, adjusting to the CPAP will take a little time.
The Big Girl Britches also arrived this week, what I hope will be the last ones I ever have to purchase. For my CPE class and general hospital dress code, jeans are not allowed and I needed another pair of non-denim pants to wear on CPE days. I went to one of my favorite sources for plus-size clothing and ordered a pair of the pants I love in black, in the same ginormous size I've been wearing for years. So I waited a day or two before trying them on, and last night when I finally did try them on, I just pulled them on over my flannel pajama pants. It surprised me that, even with flannel pants on under them, they fit with room to spare! I haven't lost enough weight yet for people to really begin noticing (and that's not the reason I'm doing this anyway) but feeling the difference in fit of the new Big Girl Britches was satisfying.
There are other Big Girl Britches that I need to put on, and I am struggling with it. At some point I have to tell my Dad that I am having surgery, and I just don't look forward to it at all. I considered not telling him about it, but then I reconsidered because, A) I would want to know if he were having surgery, and B) God forbid something should go wrong and my Hubs have to explain, "Well, she went in for weight loss surgery and didn't plan on ending up dead, maimed, comatose, etc." It is my responsibility to tell him myself. I just need to pick my moment and state the fact that, "I am having weight loss surgery on such-and-such date and thought that you might want to know." He may be completely supportive of the idea, but I am past caring whether he is or isn't. I just know that I dread telling him.
Our history regarding my size holds unpleasant associations for me, memories of his well-meaning sermons on my health and the humiliation I felt as a result of them. He has always asserted that he only has my best interests at heart and is only concerned for my health...and I know that he is concerned about my physical health. My emotional and psychological well-being, unfortunately, have never mattered much to him as far as I can tell.
Without going into a lot of detail, I will simply state once more that my Dad is a Fatophobe. He is insensitive to the feelings of plus-sized people, seeing us as pathetic sad sacks whose size is a symptom of a flawed character. We are not presentable. We could change ourselves if we just had some self-discipline. He is disrespectful of fat folk the way some people are disrespectful of someone of a different race or religion. I grew up hearing him refer to a couple of large neighborhood people as "Fat (female name)" or "Fat (male name)". Their fatness was how he defined them. And my fatness is how he has defined me.
Chances are decent that, once I am no longer as visibly fat, he will find some other fault with which to define me. I have to prepare myself for that possibility. Accepters accept, and judgers judge. I also have to deal with the fact that, just as he has always judged me, I judge him too. In that way I am very much my father's daughter.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
My New Year's Revolution
Sunday 1-1-12
Yes, that's Revolution, with a "V"
This year I am changing my life, Lord willing and with His help! The last couple of months of last year were a good start, and now that the holidays are over, I am more than ready to get back on the wagon and move forward toward my goals of renewed health, fitness and a greater commitment to God and searching out His purposes for the remaining years of my life. And I want to make positive contributions to the lives of those around me as well.
A longtime friend of mine had his own weight loss surgery this past week. This is a person who has spent his life and career investing in other people. Now he has decided it is time to reclaim his own health and well-being. It is no coincidence that all of these things have converged in the way that they have. God has worked out the timing so that each of us will have a friend in the process for support and encouragement, and the fact that his surgery preceded mine will allow me to see how his recovery goes and to learn, from someone I know and trust, what the pitfalls are and how to avoid them. What I hope to be able to offer to him is a safe place to ask questions, to voice frustrations, and an unconditional, supportive, ongoing friendship that will not be altered by his rapidly-changing appearance.
As I undertake my revolution, I have to prepare myself for a possible revolution in the world around me as I change. Already, unfortunately, I have been surprised that another longtime friend had a borderline-snarky response when I revealed my plans to pursue weight loss surgery. I've been really selective about who to reveal my intentions to, choosing people from whom I believed I could expect unconditional support. And yet, this friend surprised me in a less-than-totally-supportive way. That is fine. I believe the response just came from a lack of education on the subject. If my friend remains uneducated about weight loss surgery and why a person would eventually resort to it, that will be a matter of choice.
When I experienced my last substantial weight loss, years ago, people's changing responses to me, or more accurately, to my appearance, were interesting, surprising, humorous and frustrating in some cases. It always amused and annoyed me that, as I shrank, suddenly I seemed to become more visible. It made no sense to me, and for a longtime fat person, it really did a number on me at the time. I am much older now and in a much more stable place in my life, so, while I know there will be issues related to my changing looks, I don't expect to have the complete upheaval I experienced before. And if complete upheaval does rear its ugly head this time, I have tools and resources to deal with it that I lacked the last time. My groupmates in CPE will be a valuable source of insight in the months prior to surgery, as will my husband, the weight loss support group, and the other confidants I have chosen for myself. And if it begins to feel overwhelming I now know that counseling is an option, something I did not avail myself of the last time I lost a lot of weight. Accepting help, whatever kind I need, hurts my pride...but that kind of pride has not done much to contribute to my well-being over the years.
The Incredible Shrinking Diva's New Year's Revolution has begun! My prayer is that the coming year will bring drastic improvements in my physical, spiritual, emotional and mental health. The work I can do, I am willing to commit myself to doing. The work that only God can do, I am committed to trusting Him for. I want my life to be His work of art, pleasing to my Maker and a blessing to the people He places in my path.
Yes, that's Revolution, with a "V"
This year I am changing my life, Lord willing and with His help! The last couple of months of last year were a good start, and now that the holidays are over, I am more than ready to get back on the wagon and move forward toward my goals of renewed health, fitness and a greater commitment to God and searching out His purposes for the remaining years of my life. And I want to make positive contributions to the lives of those around me as well.
A longtime friend of mine had his own weight loss surgery this past week. This is a person who has spent his life and career investing in other people. Now he has decided it is time to reclaim his own health and well-being. It is no coincidence that all of these things have converged in the way that they have. God has worked out the timing so that each of us will have a friend in the process for support and encouragement, and the fact that his surgery preceded mine will allow me to see how his recovery goes and to learn, from someone I know and trust, what the pitfalls are and how to avoid them. What I hope to be able to offer to him is a safe place to ask questions, to voice frustrations, and an unconditional, supportive, ongoing friendship that will not be altered by his rapidly-changing appearance.
As I undertake my revolution, I have to prepare myself for a possible revolution in the world around me as I change. Already, unfortunately, I have been surprised that another longtime friend had a borderline-snarky response when I revealed my plans to pursue weight loss surgery. I've been really selective about who to reveal my intentions to, choosing people from whom I believed I could expect unconditional support. And yet, this friend surprised me in a less-than-totally-supportive way. That is fine. I believe the response just came from a lack of education on the subject. If my friend remains uneducated about weight loss surgery and why a person would eventually resort to it, that will be a matter of choice.
When I experienced my last substantial weight loss, years ago, people's changing responses to me, or more accurately, to my appearance, were interesting, surprising, humorous and frustrating in some cases. It always amused and annoyed me that, as I shrank, suddenly I seemed to become more visible. It made no sense to me, and for a longtime fat person, it really did a number on me at the time. I am much older now and in a much more stable place in my life, so, while I know there will be issues related to my changing looks, I don't expect to have the complete upheaval I experienced before. And if complete upheaval does rear its ugly head this time, I have tools and resources to deal with it that I lacked the last time. My groupmates in CPE will be a valuable source of insight in the months prior to surgery, as will my husband, the weight loss support group, and the other confidants I have chosen for myself. And if it begins to feel overwhelming I now know that counseling is an option, something I did not avail myself of the last time I lost a lot of weight. Accepting help, whatever kind I need, hurts my pride...but that kind of pride has not done much to contribute to my well-being over the years.
The Incredible Shrinking Diva's New Year's Revolution has begun! My prayer is that the coming year will bring drastic improvements in my physical, spiritual, emotional and mental health. The work I can do, I am willing to commit myself to doing. The work that only God can do, I am committed to trusting Him for. I want my life to be His work of art, pleasing to my Maker and a blessing to the people He places in my path.
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