Back to the Future...

...Or Shrinking My Way Into A New/Old Wardrobe


 An eagerly-awaited package arrived in the mail the other day. I am planning/hoping to attend the triennial conference of my music fraternity at the end of July, and there are a couple of dressy events planned, as always. One is a Rose and Grey dinner (the Fraternity colors) and many attendees wear those colors to the dinner. I ordered myself a very pretty silvery-grey dress to wear, and I ordered it in the smaller size I expect to fit me by then! When the dress arrived I was almost giddy over how pretty it is, and how nice I'm hoping I will look in it.

 I went to the conference 3 years ago in 2009, and probably at my highest weight/largest size ever. The Rose and Grey dinner was something I approached with some trepidation because of what I wore and how it looked. I chose a loose, flowy rose-colored dress with matching wrap that I fashioned into a drapey cowl-like situation in the front, hoping to make it at least a little bit flattering. At my size and shape...well, you've heard of the proverbial pink elephant, right? Yeah, pretty much. Another event is the memorial ceremony in which we celebrate the lives of our members who have passed away. It is a moving and meaningful occasion for which we dress in white. I have a very pretty white dress hanging in my closet that has been way too small for a very long time. Empire-waist, eyelet bodice with a long, flowing, lettuce-edged skirt that reaches to my ankles. It's one of the prettiest, most ladylike dresses I've ever owned. I am hoping that I'll be fitting into it by conference time as well.

 Like most women with weight issues, I have clothes in lots of different sizes. LOTS. Jeans, for example. They range in sizes ranging from "Curvy-but-cute" to "How-did-I-ever-let-myself-get-this-freakin'HUGE?!". There are t-shirts and sweatshirts I adore that haven't been on my body in forever because to try to put them on would result in a scene from The Incredible Hulk. "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry", followed by fabric shredding from the strain of trying to cover too much body. I still own my favorite sweater from college, and when I lost 65 pounds in 1994-95, I was able to fit into it again, but not for too long. A black velvet number with a plunging neckline from that 1990's period of shrinkage hangs in the deep recesses of my closet. It is a classic style that has held up well over the years, and now I have hope that I'll be able to fit myself into it again someday.

Stepping back into some of my old, smaller clothes will be like stepping back into time in some ways. It will be interesting to remember how my life was the last time I was at those sizes, sort of like when I hear an old song that transports me to an earlier era. But I realize that, even though I'll be shrinking, I won't be going back to exactly the body I had when I wore that size before, because age does things to change a body, whatever size it is. My boobs and butt have dropped, and drooped (and as we all know, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!). I might be able to back myself into a size 12, but my shape will most likely be different because of gravity, hormones, and time. I'll be able to fit into the black velvet dress again...but my cleavage may not look as great as it used to. And it did look great. ;-)

It's not about reversing time or regaining lost youth. It's about doing the best I can with what is left of my life, feeling better and getting stronger. I am prepared for the eventuality that most of my parts aren't going to spring back to the places they used to be! Zipping myself back into those old Levi's will be good enough for me.