...except when it isn't
Weight loss comes with some paradoxes that have never made much sense to me. Now, with surgery a week and a half away, I seem to be thinking more about those paradoxes. And I'm remembering some moments from my previous successes with shrinking, brief as they were, that bothered me.
I suppose the most obvious paradox is that "Losing is Winning!". Television made that paradox literal with the program, "The Biggest Loser", where the person losing the most weight during the show's season wins a boatload of cash for their efforts. I won't bore you with my opinions about diet and exercise for profit, either the contestants' or the television network's. How they choose to go about the process is up to them. I will say that I heard (from a VERY reliable source) that the show's executives/producers urge those contestants to try to look as bad as possible in their audition tapes and in the first few episodes. It makes the contrast at the end of the season much more vivid... and it's just good television.
Then there is the whole attitude that "Less is More". Having been a plus-size lady for most of my life, I can speak to this with some authority, particularly regarding how American society views plus-size people as invisible...but once we shrink, all of sudden, we are indeed visible. During my last major weight loss many moons ago, I had some weird moments. For example, people who had never given me the time of day before started coming out of the woodwork, suddenly interested in hanging out and getting to know me better.
Why? Why was I suddenly worth talking to when I had not been worth it before? I was the same person I had been 50 pounds ago. I had been right there under their down-looking noses all along. All that changed was how I looked.
If I seem to have a chip on my shoulder about this, I do indeed. Because of my own weight and size issues, I have always been very aware of how often people are judged solely based on appearances. Being a singer has both helped and hindered me in this regard, because people halfway expect classically-trained singers to be a bit zaftig. Just not too much. It's a thin line between "curvy-cute" and "gobby fat".
I've walked on the wrong side of the fat thin line for a long time. And the paradoxes will continue to intrigue me. Less body weight for me will indeed mean more strength. So by losing, I will gain, and win.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life...
...and of the "very low calorie" pre-packaged food phase
I turned 48 on Sunday and, after months of medically-supervised weight loss and months of CPE, I celebrated the day by napping, watching some DVRed television I hadn't been able to get around to watching, and more napping. I've been pretty sleep-deprived so the napping felt especially good. Lots of Facebook friends posted birthday wishes on my wall, and I have to admit, it is nice to be remembered, even in a 2-second-cyber kind of way.
I'd be remiss if I didn't share the story of my birth as it was passed down to me by my Mama. I was born on May 20, 1964, a Wednesday morning, at 11:57 am. Mama always said that her labor with me was short, about 4 hours, and that by the time Dad got her to the hospital all Dr. Shouse had to do was "catch" me as I emerged. During part of her labor, Mama had to wait for Dad to get ready to face the world by doing all of his "S's" (s**t, shine, shower, shave, shampoo). Then she made his breakfast, after which he drove her to the hospital for Dr. Shouse to put on his baseball mitt and make like a catcher. Mama always said I was born singing. I always figured that, since I was a week overdue, I more likely came out complaining that I'd been awakened from a nap and asking for something to relieve the headache I am sure I had from the moment I was conceived. Pretty inauspicious beginnings, but really, what could I have done to change it?!
Monday was "meals with friends" day. I went to support a friend going through a hard time on Monday morning and afterward several of us enjoyed a nice lunch together. Then I went home, curled up with the dog for yet another nap! Bliss! When The Hubs got home, he and I met another friend for supper. I chose healthy options at both meals, except lunch was probably too carb-heavy.
Yesterday was all about the last few pre-op appointments. I had an appointment with the sleep center to go over my CPAP use and instances of apnea since my last checkup with them. After that I had a little free time before going to pre-register for admission and surgery at the hospital where I will undergo my procedure. I spent that time at my favorite Christian bookstore, browsing and enjoying the quiet atmosphere there, and purchasing a few books to commemorate CPE and surgery. (I will admit to being a geek in that I often buy books to celebrate/mark an occasion/reward myself for some accomplishment.) Then off to the hospital I went for pre-registration.
My final stop was at the weight-loss center for my supply of pre-packaged, high-protein, very-low-calorie foods for the final 2 weeks before surgery. I began that regimen today and as a result, I am hungry, tired, headachey and cranky. The stomach growls returned today with a vengeance. I know, though, that this won't last long and it is an important step toward a worthwhile goal. The Hubs asked how I got along today and I was honest about feeling hungry and irritable. But I also told him, "I can do anything for a little while." And I can.
The time is going to fly by, and 2 weeks from today I will have the surgery that is going to change my life. It's a little strange to try to wrap my head around how close it is now. God has been so gracious in this journey and I am so grateful for the many times in my life when He has given me a second chance. That is what this surgery feels like, a second chance...to regain a healthier body, to relieve the aches and pains that have crept up on me in the last few years, to make the most of the life I have left. Most of all, it will help me to serve Him more effectively, capably and joyfully. After all He has done for me, I can surely deal with some hunger pangs.
I turned 48 on Sunday and, after months of medically-supervised weight loss and months of CPE, I celebrated the day by napping, watching some DVRed television I hadn't been able to get around to watching, and more napping. I've been pretty sleep-deprived so the napping felt especially good. Lots of Facebook friends posted birthday wishes on my wall, and I have to admit, it is nice to be remembered, even in a 2-second-cyber kind of way.
I'd be remiss if I didn't share the story of my birth as it was passed down to me by my Mama. I was born on May 20, 1964, a Wednesday morning, at 11:57 am. Mama always said that her labor with me was short, about 4 hours, and that by the time Dad got her to the hospital all Dr. Shouse had to do was "catch" me as I emerged. During part of her labor, Mama had to wait for Dad to get ready to face the world by doing all of his "S's" (s**t, shine, shower, shave, shampoo). Then she made his breakfast, after which he drove her to the hospital for Dr. Shouse to put on his baseball mitt and make like a catcher. Mama always said I was born singing. I always figured that, since I was a week overdue, I more likely came out complaining that I'd been awakened from a nap and asking for something to relieve the headache I am sure I had from the moment I was conceived. Pretty inauspicious beginnings, but really, what could I have done to change it?!
Monday was "meals with friends" day. I went to support a friend going through a hard time on Monday morning and afterward several of us enjoyed a nice lunch together. Then I went home, curled up with the dog for yet another nap! Bliss! When The Hubs got home, he and I met another friend for supper. I chose healthy options at both meals, except lunch was probably too carb-heavy.
Yesterday was all about the last few pre-op appointments. I had an appointment with the sleep center to go over my CPAP use and instances of apnea since my last checkup with them. After that I had a little free time before going to pre-register for admission and surgery at the hospital where I will undergo my procedure. I spent that time at my favorite Christian bookstore, browsing and enjoying the quiet atmosphere there, and purchasing a few books to commemorate CPE and surgery. (I will admit to being a geek in that I often buy books to celebrate/mark an occasion/reward myself for some accomplishment.) Then off to the hospital I went for pre-registration.
My final stop was at the weight-loss center for my supply of pre-packaged, high-protein, very-low-calorie foods for the final 2 weeks before surgery. I began that regimen today and as a result, I am hungry, tired, headachey and cranky. The stomach growls returned today with a vengeance. I know, though, that this won't last long and it is an important step toward a worthwhile goal. The Hubs asked how I got along today and I was honest about feeling hungry and irritable. But I also told him, "I can do anything for a little while." And I can.
The time is going to fly by, and 2 weeks from today I will have the surgery that is going to change my life. It's a little strange to try to wrap my head around how close it is now. God has been so gracious in this journey and I am so grateful for the many times in my life when He has given me a second chance. That is what this surgery feels like, a second chance...to regain a healthier body, to relieve the aches and pains that have crept up on me in the last few years, to make the most of the life I have left. Most of all, it will help me to serve Him more effectively, capably and joyfully. After all He has done for me, I can surely deal with some hunger pangs.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Inside The Window...
...or Through the Looking Glass?
I am inside the one-month window until my surgery! I can barely believe it is so close now. As surgery approaches, my choral group's concert season and my unit of CPE are coming to an end. These things are all somewhat bittersweet for me, especially CPE.
Within the safety of my CPE peer group I have found acceptance, support and love as I have completed the unit, learned how to minister and listen better, and worked toward getting my healthy habits established prior to surgery. These people, all of whom I now consider to be friends, have contributed so much to my life in these past few months that I find myself at a loss as to what I am going to do without their weekly presence in seminar and PPI (personal and professional identity, the part of class when we speak freely and with no specific agenda). And the real surprise is that I am already thinking about when I can do another unit! As tired as I've been during the unit with so much reading, writing, nights on call and extremes in emotion, it has still given me much more than it has taken out of me.
Next week I go in for the big 4-hour diet class. The Hubs will go with me because he will be helping me during my recovery from surgery. I expect another weigh-in at that time and I am trying/praying to shave off a few more pounds between now and then. At this class they will probably also start my "extremely low-calorie pre-surgery diet" which will no doubt be...challenging. But it's temporary until surgery, and then everything will change.
Everything.
I don't pretend that I'll sail through surgery and recovery, and I don't expect that this process is going to be easy. What I do look forward to is beginning the transformation, experiencing the world and myself in new ways. It will be a journey unlike any other of my life, much as CPE has been....rigorous, unfamiliar, exhilarating and a step toward a larger goal.
Through the looking glass indeed.
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