To Sleep, Perchance to Knock It Off With The Dreams Already!

Sunday 10-30-11
Why sleep is good...

Yesterday was not a good day at work.  It was stressful and, as I have already mentioned, my work is stressful even on a good day when nothing goes wrong.  Yesterday things went wrong, and my stress level, as usual, skyrocketed.  I've always joked that I could work on a daisy farm and still have too much stress, I manufacture it internally, like a hormone or something.

This is, of course, not a great outlook for a Christian to have.  It's always been a struggle, and God knows that.  Everyone struggles with something.  I happen to struggle with stress/anxiety/depression.  Some of these issues run in my family.  This is not an excuse, but it does serve as a kind of explanation.  God and I are dealing with it.

My dad is a worrier and always has been, although he is very good at denying that fact.  As I've grown older and learned more about myself and where I come from, I've realized that I inherited quite an interesting and mixed-up bag of traits from both sides of my family.  I am a musician (a singer, and yes, singers are also musicians, although not always instrumentalists, which is what most civilians assume the word "musician" means) and the musical genes come from both sides of the family, abilities for which I am supremely grateful.

Dad gave me a colorful assortment of genetic gifts.  I can spell pretty much anything.  I can pick things up with my toes.  I can always tell how big a container will be needed to store leftover foods.  Musically, I inherited Dad's sharp ear and ability to improvise, although not as well as he can. 

I also got some of Dad's health patterns, although I must be very clear that the obesity does NOT come from his side.  He would be adamant that I make that plain.  (He's got Fatophobia.)  During my lifetime I have seen my father suffer with both migraine headaches and allergy problems, both of which I inherited, and, like him, I have seen the patterns in my own headaches and allergies change around the same age that he experienced similar changes in his own.  It has been helpful to be able to ask him when I have experienced changes in the frequency or intensity of headache, or if a symptom changes a little, I can ask whether he experienced it as well.  For example, I never used to have olfactory (smell) issues with migraines until my 40s.  After asking Dad, I learned that he often used to get a strong scent of chlorine with his headaches.  I will place a disclaimer here:  I have been having various kinds of headaches for so long I am confident that I would know when one requires medical attention. 

Perhaps the most interesting thing I inherited from Dad is the tendency toward strange and vivid dreams, often with recurring themes, and often with very strong recall.  I consider this a mixed blessing, because sometimes the dreams are wonderful and lifelike, resulting in profound peace that lasts far into my waking life.  Other times the dreams, especially the recurring ones, are sad, depressing, stressful and jarring enough to wake me from my slumber in sweats, tears and complete disorientation.

The only reason this is relevant is because my weight loss doctor has referred me for a sleep study to determine whether I have sleep apnea.  Overweight people often do have sleep apnea without realizing it.  Combine my weight with the fact that I snore like a lumberjack AND I've been tired since college (OK, that is only half-joking) and sleep apnea may indeed be another issue that weight loss will address.  I've never done any research to see if apnea and dreaming are related, but I'm sure I will soon.  I'm not sure how I would feel about my dreams, or my recall of them, going away completely.  But the sad, stressful dreams I could definitely do without. 

So, yesterday just sucked.  But last night, I slept decently and with minimal dreaming.  My husband thinks that I could write a pretty interesting blog describing my dreams.  We came up with a name for it while we were on vacation.  It would be "Dream Goulash".  That's pretty much what my dream assortment is like on any given night, a big ol' mixed-up pot of whatever my mind puts together out of its leftovers.  As I continue learning to eat differently, some of my dream-triggering foods will be drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.  And I don't care what science says, weird/spicy/hot foods can trigger weird dreams.  I am my own evidence in this regard!  I don't know if getting rid of the foods will get rid of the dreams, but I am not holding my breath on it.  I've got WAY more stuff besides food to make my dreams crazy. 

We'll always have oatmeal...

Wednesday, 10-26-11
Back to Work

Some days it just seems like I need a "mental health holiday".  Today was like that.  Yesterday my self-esteem took a bit of a beating at the surgeon's office, coming face-to-face as I did with the hard truth of just how far I have let myself go.  So today was day 1 of the preparations-in-earnest for the new, improved, shrinking me. 

My work is stressful on a good day when nothing unexpected happens.  Today in my work e-mail was a message from my boss summoning me and several members of my team into a meeting to rehash a problem that occurred nearly a month ago.  I was already in a foul mood because I was hungry!  Oatmeal saved the day, and my sanity. 

I know that as I withdraw from unhealthy foods and drinks, and learn a new eating pattern, I will have moments of moodiness, sadness, annoyance or outright anger.  I need to radically decrease, if not entirely eliminate, caffeine and carbonation from my drinking.  The last time I gave up caffeine, I was in college.  I gave it up for Lent, and my college choir toured during spring break, which also fell during Lent.  Touring with my choir was a joy every year, and we all gave up our spring break willingly in order to do the tour.  But the schedule, singing a full concert at least once a day, traveling by bus in close quarters over hundreds of miles, sometimes enduring extremes in climate, sleeping in a different town every night and eating plate after plate of good old Baptist hospitality, all took its toll on us.  It was grueling...wonderful, but grueling.  Giving up caffeine during this time made me a much more cranky Diva than I would have been anyway.  I am imagining that I will be more cranky this time because I don't have youth on my side!

As a lifelong migraine sufferer, I also know that caffeine withdrawal can trigger THUNDERING headaches.  That prospect does not bring me joy, either.  I'll have to do the caffeine part gradually, while I deal with some unaccustomed hunger pangs during this time as well.  My list of "good for the Diva" foods will be a constant companion for a while until I'm used to making healthy choices for myself.  My list, and a packet of oatmeal.   

Here we go...

Tuesday 10-25-11
The First Surgeon Visit

Today my husband and I went for the initial consultation with the surgeon who will (Lord willing, knock wood) be doing my weight-loss surgery sometime next year.  I am leaving the date open because at this point, I have applied for a class and, once I find out if I have been accepted into the program, I will be more able to narrow down a date for surgery.  More on that endeavor will come in future entries here.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to do this, but that may make itself clearer over time.  I suppose it's just a desire to document what is happening, and will be happening in the months and, probably years, to come as I commit to the weight-loss surgery journey.  I never thought I would find myself here, considering surgery to "fix a problem" I've dealt with for my entire life.  The tipping point for me came last spring when I injured my ankle and found myself in such pain that I could not have worked out even if I wanted to...not that working out during the last year had really helped anyway.  I have reached critical mass, period. 

I am 47 years old, and the common-sense things that I have done in the past to lose weight just don't work anymore.  It is likely a perfect storm of age, hormones, sleep issues and all sorts of other indignities that come with being a woman "of a certain age".  My weight loss history has been spotty at best, with several substantial losses over my lifetime, none of them permanent.  Obviously.  It seems like I have been fat forever, although I can look back at old photographs of myself and see that there were times when I looked fine.  It's been difficult to perceive myself with any accuracy or perspective.  I have always felt fat, partly because I have always been hearing that I am fat, even when I really wasn't so much fat as just...pleasingly plump with really big boobs.  That's the past, though.  Now I am what Mama would have called "Gobby Fat"...still with really big boobs.  They will get their own entry (or entries!) here as well. 

Now, I am looking at the ultimate goal of surgery, with lots appointments between now and then, with a dietician, exercise physiologist, psychologist, my primary care doctor AND a sleep study.  I am blessed to have a lot of things in my favor for this process.  I do not have diabetes, heart disease or hypertension, which is really surprising for someone my age and size.  And I know that God has allowed me to "dodge the bullet" with regard to those comorbidities.  I'll talk about God a lot here, so if you read this and have a problem with that, you might as well either "Get to likin' it" or find another blog! 

The things about me that will always be the same are:

I am a blunt, plainspoken Southern Diva, with big boobs and a big heart underneath them;
I am a woman, wife, musician, daughter/sister/cousin/aunt/niece/friend, volunteer and child of God; 
I will always have curves no matter how much I shrink;
I am a big believer that God allows everything for a purpose, and that His timing is always significant. 

So, until next time, I am
The Incredible Shrinking DIva