Good Right Now, Where I Am

Shifting Paradigms and New Math Revisited


Although my actual Surg-I-Versary is not until June 6, I had my official 1-year checkup today at the surgeon's office, meeting with the exercise physiologist and the dietician.  As of today, I have lost 78% of my excess body weight and my body mass index is down a staggering 22.2%.  At the 1-year point the desired percentage of excess weight loss is 66%, so I am 12% ahead of that.  The overachiever in me is delighted!  According to my scale, I have lost 127 pounds total, 100 of that since surgery.  My blood pressure today was 94/62.  The exercise physiologist took it and asked me if this is about where it tends to run now, and I assured him that it is.  Part of The New Normal.

Results from my 14-vial blood draw last week were mixed, but mostly good.  My iron is improved but still a little low, so I am still on extra iron, for now.  Protein is also a little low, but just by .1%, so I am not worried about that.  It will be an ongoing process to make sure my protein intake is adequate.  Vitamin K is low this time, so the dietician has added a vitamin K supplement to my routine.  No biggie.

The liver enzymes that my family doctor found to be elevated a few months ago at my annual physical are still elevated.  So I am being referred to a gastroenterologist to check into that more thoroughly.  While I am not thrilled with this development, I am also not really worried about it.  I'm not having any pain or symptoms, so I am hoping this will turn out to be no biggie as well.  I'll update here when I have seen Dr. Gut-Check (nickname for the GI doctor) and have something more concrete to report.  I feel fine so I'm not going to be freaking out about it just yet.

My appointment and discussions today, especially with the dietician, were great indicators of progress made and a wake-up call about where I really am in this whole process.  I am basically at an acceptable weight and BMI, right where I am.  I thought I had a lot more weight to lose, but the dietician told me I am at a good place now, and if I lose more than 10 more pounds, I need to come see her for closer monitoring and ADDING calories to my daily intake.

Excuse me, I could not possibly have heard that correctly.  I am good right now, where I am?  Really?

I am having some trouble absorbing this, because in my whole life, I have never been good right now, where I am.  Never.  When I was in 6th grade, 5 feet, 1 inch tall and wearing a junior size 11 jeans and a 34-B bra, I was "too fat."  At least, that's what I was always hearing.  Looking back as an adult, I can realize that I was just fine at that size, and the Fatophobes in my life saying I was fat were lying.  I was just an early bloomer.  If I had been told just once by the right people that I looked good at that weight and size, I might have been able to stay there.  But I wasn't.  I was "too fat", and my life from then on became a struggle with ballooning weight and size, diets, shame and never measuring up because of my measurements.

I grew up in a world of extremes and judgments.  There were fat people and skinny people.  Skinny people were better than fat people.  And I was fat people.

I still feel fat, to be honest.  I see loose skin and wiggly-jiggly stuff on my body.  I don't have a textbook tummy or firm, flat abs.  But I am less large than I used to be, and now that the number of pounds I need to lose is minimal, I can start working on toning my body and investigating skin removal on my abdomen, if my insurance will cover that.  Making the transition in my mind from "freakin'-HUGE" to "Good-right-now-where-I-am" will be a big paradigm shift for me.

After my appointment I stopped to pick up my new vitamin K supplements and, on a lark, did a little shopping.  I thought I was in the mood to look for shoes, but nothing in the shoe store appealed to me.  Turns out there was something else I was meant to do.  I found my way into a department store and, out of curiosity, I picked up an armful of different jeans in several sizes to try on.

Today, after being told that I am good right now, where I am, I zipped myself into a pair of size 12 Levi's.  I did a happy dance in the dressing room, cried a little and then texted my cousin Judy to share the news with her.  She understands my issues with weight/size/self-image in a way few other people do, and she rejoiced with me on this milestone.  I can't ever remember wearing a 12 in jeans.  I remember going from an 11 junior size straight into 14's and up...and up.   I realize it's just a number on a label, but it still feels like a victory somehow.

New math for me indeed.