Nobody Knows But Jesus

Sometimes I'm Up, Sometimes I'm Down


It has been an up-and-down week, another roller-coaster ride.  Tuesday, as I mentioned in my last post, was my 5-month surgery anniversary and I was able to have lunch with a wonderful longtime friend.  Definitely an up day.

Thursday after work I grabbed a quick meal and went to the first rehearsal with instruments for the premiere concert of a major new choral work being presented by the chorus I sing with.  It was a long day, but the rehearsal actually energized me.  Hearing the music for the first time with the orchestra and soloists made the work come alive in a whole new way for me.  "Chronicles of Blue and Gray" for chorus and orchestra is the first major choral work commemorating the Civil War.  It includes texts from Abraham Lincoln's speeches, the Emancipation Proclamation, Walt Whitman and a heartbreaking letter from a soldier to his wife.  It also includes a medley of spirituals, one of which I stole for the title of this post.  It seemed fitting for the week I experienced.

Friday, November 9, would have been Mama and Dad's 55th wedding anniversary.  I thought about the last anniversary Mama was here for, their 40th, all day long.  We celebrated their 40th in the hospital where Mama had been for a couple of weeks.  It was a Sunday, and very cold as I remember.  Aunt Helen was in town and came by the hospital to visit with Mama.  There are a lot of things about the day that I just don't seem to be able to remember any more.  My parents exchanged gifts there in that little hospital room, gifts that they had chosen and I had gone to pick up for them.  The 40th is the ruby anniversary.  I now own the gold and channel-set ruby heart pendant that Mama put on that day.  I wear it often.  The Hubs gave me an emerald one just like it the following Valentine's Day, since emerald is my birthstone.  I've been known to wear them together sometimes, especially around Christmas.  The red and green are so pretty.

The Cramp Fairy decided to visit me on Friday as well.  Talk about kicking a Diva when she's down!  I was already weepy and withdrawn, remembering Mama in the hospital and missing her more than usual.  Once again I experienced a minor weight plateau prior to the Cramp Fairy's arrival, and once again I seem to have broken through it.  Maybe it's good that I entered the Hormone Zone on a day when I was feeling sad anyway.  At least it didn't ruin a wonderful mood.

Yesterday, November 10, was the world premiere performance of  "Chronicles of Blue and Gray", and I have to say, I think it was a triumph on every level.  We performed attentively and energetically, to a packed house filled with a very appreciative audience.  This work was commissioned by our chorus in honor of our esteemed conductor and artistic director, who also happens to be one of my choir directors from college, a longtime friend and now, a fellow weight loss surgery patient.  He had his operation last December, about 5 1/2 months before I had mine.  He has been a constant source of encouragement to me, both before and after surgery, and watching his progress has been an inspiration.  At chorus practice one evening last spring, before I had undergone surgery, I approached him during a break with a personal question, saying that it was none of my business and if he didn't want to answer me, that was fine.  He smiled and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't you know there's nothing you can't ask me?"  It's a moment I'll always remember and treasure.  So often we don't realize how important those seemingly small kindnesses can be.

At last year's fall concert, when he and I both knew we were each planning surgery, but not many other people knew, we posed backstage for a  picture together, one that I now refer to as The Before Picture.  It was a good photograph, big smiles and pleasant expressions.  We were just both a lot larger.  Last night before the concert started, we posed for The After Picture.  I printed and Facebooked them today, and the difference is definitely profound, especially in his case.  He's ahead of me on the path and a lot closer to his goal weight, but there is a noticeable difference in my size as well.  Between the two of us we have lost in the neighborhood of 250 pounds.

So the emotional course of the week has definitely been up and down.  I am thankful for so many things...memories of Mama, even the ones from the hospital.  I am thankful for the gift of music in my life and the many people who share it.  I am thankful to have had people ahead of me on the weight loss surgery path to offer encouragement, guidance and concern.  I am thankful that when I am up or down, when nobody in the world seems able to understand, when I can't even put my feelings into words, the Lord knows.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen,
Nobody knows but Jesus.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen,
Glory Hallelujah!

Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down,
Yes, my Lord.
Sometimes I'm almost to the ground,
Oh yes, Lord."