Firsts

The new normal and the old one


A few nights ago I had my first restaurant meal since surgery.  I met a new friend (and fellow traveler on the weight loss path) at a local restaurant which has a good reputation and good reviews, and one I had never been to before.  After the initial greetings and small talk, we decided to split an entree, as many weight loss patients do since we can no longer consume an entire restaurant-sized meal.  We shared the evening's special, grilled shrimp.  Since my dinner companion is also a weight loss patient, she understood my need to cut my portion into tiny, dime-sized pieces and my attention to thoroughly chewing each bite.  The last thing I wanted was to have a "dinner issue" in public.  I was thrilled that the shrimp not only tasted delicious, but it also made my belly happy.  Some foods are just uncomfortable to eat now, and they can upset my stomach,  or at the worst, threaten not to stay there.  The shrimp was a good choice.  I also had a couple of bites of sauteed mushrooms, which tasted wonderful as well.  I left the restaurant pleasantly satisfied and not too full.

The evening also gave me a chance to ask questions and share my concerns with another female who walks this same path and is about a year ahead of me.  It was reassuring to learn that some of the experiences I am having are normal and that yes, I am making good progress.  My friend and I hope to meet regularly for mutual support and accountability, to become a sort of unofficial support system for each other, and to include some other people in this new network of travelers.  With only a few people, there will be more opportunities for real sharing and interaction, rather than a support meeting with 50 people in a conference room where there is barely time for introductions before it is time to leave.

Tonight my chorus resumed rehearsals for the fall concert season.  It is always sort of an "I'm-so-glad-to-see-you-how-was-your-summer?" kind of moment as we pay dues and purchase concert music, touching base with one another after having the summer off.  I will admit to some apprehension about showing up there this evening.  Many of my fellow singers knew that I was having weight loss surgery in June, and I was nervous about seeing them again, wondering if my shrinkage would be noticeable, if today was a day when I looked peaked and tired, was I able to cover The Humility Pimple...on and on the insecurites raged.  When I opened the door and walked inside, I was greeted, welcomed and then applauded by more than a dozen people who were in the vestibule buying their music and paying dues for the season.  There were hugs, congratulations on my progress and lots of affirmation that my size is indeed different than when they last saw me in the spring.  It was almost overwhelming and a moment that I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.

Compliments are, of course, not why I had the surgery.  But they are nice.  I know a time will come when the compliments will stop coming, people will get used to me shrinking and it won't be a big deal anymore.  I need to prepare myself for that time and continually reinforce to myself that it's not about what I look like.  It's about getting, and staying, healthy and strong, in body, soul, mind and spirit.

Something has been a little "off" since surgery, and only recently have I been able to put words to it.  I was talking recently with The Hubs, and I said to him that since surgery, "I just haven't felt like myself."  That's the best description I have been able to come up with for it.  I've been subdued, unmotivated, almost as though a cloud or a fog has been hanging over me.  Having had surgery before, I knew that some mild depression can come after general anesthesia.  A friend at music practice tonight asked how long I was under, and I told him that surgery itself took 3 hours.  He told me that when his wife had surgery recently, the surgeon told them that for every hour a patient is under anesthesia, it can take about a month for the body to recover.  This revelation made me feel MUCH better.  I am only 2 1/2 months out from surgery, so if this assertion is true, it's not unusual that I still feel a bit unlike my old self.  I realize that I may never feel exactly like my old self again, because I am changing so much physically.

My hope is that I'll feel new and improved!