"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

Monday 12-5-11
Yes, Virginia, this IS from the Bible...


Today an e-mail came to me that I have been hoping for months would come.  I had gathered a group of friends in the summer to pray with The Hubs and me about a course I was thinking of applying for.  After  completing some fairly arduous essay questions for the application, sending my materials in for consideration and ultimately being asked to come in for the interview, I am now pleased and grateful to say that I have been accepted for an extended unit of CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at my local university's hospital.  Clinical Pastoral Education is, among other things, a course of study that most chaplains pursue at some point in their educations.  I will state here that I don't know if chaplaincy is in my future or not; this unit of CPE will answer a lot of questions for me and help me to determine if God is leading me in that direction.  If not, I will still definitely learn a great deal, and what I learn will make me a better caregiver for the hospice families and patients I serve and for the college students I work with, and a better communicator with everyone in my life. 

I feel like it is no coincidence that this has all coalesced at the same time as my weight-loss surgery journey.  God leads us where He does, when He does, for a reason.  And I believe that His timing is always significant.  I know that the above verse from John's gospel did not apply specifically to weight loss...but in my case, it certainly can.

Over the next 5 and 1/2 months I will be continuing my medically-supervised weight loss and doing CPE at the same time, and I am thinking that each effort is going to enhance the other one, by giving me very specific goals to work for, and by helping me to distinguish self-care from self-denial.  The occasional hunger pangs and growling stomach that have come with my new way of eating and drinking sometimes feel very much like self-denial, especially on cranky, self-pitying days...but I realize that they are actually a part of me finally taking care of myself.

Likewise, this unit of CPE will require a great deal of time, energy and soul-searching.  I consider myself to be pretty transparent most of the time, but if I tell the truth, I have to admit that even I have masks that I hide behind sometimes.  In my CPE group, those masks will have to come off.  I will have to show myself as I am.  I know that unmasking myself will feel like another form of self-denial.  I also know that in taking off the masks I will actually be caring for myself in a new sense, by allowing myself to be known in a new way by new people.  While not a strictly "therapeutic" setting, CPE is a small group situation in which deep issues are discussed with honesty and frankness, balanced with respect for ourselves and our groupmates.  It will be intensely personal.  This will stretch me, I suspect, far beyond my comfort zone at times.  And this stretching will be good for me, even if it hurts a little.  Like physical stretching does for the body, CPE will challenge me to stretch my horizons and perceptions, making my heart and mind both stronger and more supple.

I am looking forward to watching how all of this unfolds.  God is so good and He has blessed me so greatly.  I have a Hubs who loves me after all these years and a core of supportive friends who encourage me unconditionally.  It's going to be very cool seeing how I can grow and shrink at the same time!