The new normal and the old one
A few nights ago I had my first restaurant meal since surgery. I met a new friend (and fellow traveler on the weight loss path) at a local restaurant which has a good reputation and good reviews, and one I had never been to before. After the initial greetings and small talk, we decided to split an entree, as many weight loss patients do since we can no longer consume an entire restaurant-sized meal. We shared the evening's special, grilled shrimp. Since my dinner companion is also a weight loss patient, she understood my need to cut my portion into tiny, dime-sized pieces and my attention to thoroughly chewing each bite. The last thing I wanted was to have a "dinner issue" in public. I was thrilled that the shrimp not only tasted delicious, but it also made my belly happy. Some foods are just uncomfortable to eat now, and they can upset my stomach, or at the worst, threaten not to stay there. The shrimp was a good choice. I also had a couple of bites of sauteed mushrooms, which tasted wonderful as well. I left the restaurant pleasantly satisfied and not too full.
The evening also gave me a chance to ask questions and share my concerns with another female who walks this same path and is about a year ahead of me. It was reassuring to learn that some of the experiences I am having are normal and that yes, I am making good progress. My friend and I hope to meet regularly for mutual support and accountability, to become a sort of unofficial support system for each other, and to include some other people in this new network of travelers. With only a few people, there will be more opportunities for real sharing and interaction, rather than a support meeting with 50 people in a conference room where there is barely time for introductions before it is time to leave.
Tonight my chorus resumed rehearsals for the fall concert season. It is always sort of an "I'm-so-glad-to-see-you-how-was-your-summer?" kind of moment as we pay dues and purchase concert music, touching base with one another after having the summer off. I will admit to some apprehension about showing up there this evening. Many of my fellow singers knew that I was having weight loss surgery in June, and I was nervous about seeing them again, wondering if my shrinkage would be noticeable, if today was a day when I looked peaked and tired, was I able to cover The Humility Pimple...on and on the insecurites raged. When I opened the door and walked inside, I was greeted, welcomed and then applauded by more than a dozen people who were in the vestibule buying their music and paying dues for the season. There were hugs, congratulations on my progress and lots of affirmation that my size is indeed different than when they last saw me in the spring. It was almost overwhelming and a moment that I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.
Compliments are, of course, not why I had the surgery. But they are nice. I know a time will come when the compliments will stop coming, people will get used to me shrinking and it won't be a big deal anymore. I need to prepare myself for that time and continually reinforce to myself that it's not about what I look like. It's about getting, and staying, healthy and strong, in body, soul, mind and spirit.
Something has been a little "off" since surgery, and only recently have I been able to put words to it. I was talking recently with The Hubs, and I said to him that since surgery, "I just haven't felt like myself." That's the best description I have been able to come up with for it. I've been subdued, unmotivated, almost as though a cloud or a fog has been hanging over me. Having had surgery before, I knew that some mild depression can come after general anesthesia. A friend at music practice tonight asked how long I was under, and I told him that surgery itself took 3 hours. He told me that when his wife had surgery recently, the surgeon told them that for every hour a patient is under anesthesia, it can take about a month for the body to recover. This revelation made me feel MUCH better. I am only 2 1/2 months out from surgery, so if this assertion is true, it's not unusual that I still feel a bit unlike my old self. I realize that I may never feel exactly like my old self again, because I am changing so much physically.
My hope is that I'll feel new and improved!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Two Months Since Surgery
And an eventful time it has been
Yesterday was 2 months since my weight loss surgery. I have lost 34 pounds since surgery and I'm seeing big changes in the way my clothes, rings, and even shoes, are fitting me. My plan is not to buy new clothes for as long as I can possibly avoid it, partly because I don't enjoy shopping, and partly because my Bonus Mom (I dislike the word Stepmother) has offered to alter things for me when I'm ready.
I have also advanced to phase 3 diet, which means I can gradually begin introducing some vegetables and fruit, provided that they are cooked, soft and I avoid seeds and peels. Last night, for example, I had a small portion of baked chicken for supper, with a little dab of stewed tomatoes. Delicious! Vegetables can also add much-needed moisture to a meal, which makes it much easier to eat and digest.
The week after my last follow-up at the surgeon's office, The Hubs became ill. He went to a midnight movie on a Thursday and had scheduled time off from work the next day because he would be out so late. He said that after he got home from the movie he was having some abdominal pain that kept him from getting much sleep. He called the doctor, who was able to see him that Friday afternoon and, suspecting diverticulitis, sent him to the hospital for an abdominal CT scan. That night at 9:30, the doctor called us at home to tell us that the scan indicated pancreatitis, told us that The Hubs was to have no food for 48 hours, only clear liquids, take pain medication as needed and if his pain became unbearable to go to the emergency room. This began a week of medicine, temperature-taking, gradually introducing bland foods, watching and praying. The Hubs is not a complainer but I could tell that he just did not feel well. God's timing being what it is, I had scheduled time off that week for a trip, which I cancelled so I could be home and watch over The Hubs. I was so grateful that my time off was already in place and work was one less thing I needed to worry about.
We laid around a lot that week and didn't do a whole lot of anything. We both had freak-out moments during that time, but we also had moments of closeness, and even enjoyment. We spent an afternoon watching the first part of The Animaniacs box set, remembering when we first discovered these brilliantly written cartoons. We watched a lot of TV criminal misadventures, the opening ceremonies of The Olympics in London, and he caught up on DVRed episodes of Craig Ferguson. There was some Facebooking and other computer time. He missed a week of work, which, it turns out, was probably pretty typical. The doctor was prudent in suggesting that we treat the pancreatitis at home. From what we were able to learn, the condition generally runs its course in a week to 10 days, which is what we experienced. I am praying that this was an isolated thing that will not repeat itself.
The Hubs returned to work last week, says he has no pain, no fever and feels fine. Thank God. This was about as scared as I can remember being for a long time, maybe ever. I learned a lot from this experience. I know what I feel like when I am sick, what my pain tolerances are and what I can live with. When The Hubs is sick, I can't step inside him and feel what he feels. Those feelings of uncertainty and helplessness are awful. And it made me appreciate the times when he has experienced those same feelings as a caregiver when I have been the patient, including, most recently, following my weight loss surgery.
Yesterday was 2 months since my weight loss surgery. I have lost 34 pounds since surgery and I'm seeing big changes in the way my clothes, rings, and even shoes, are fitting me. My plan is not to buy new clothes for as long as I can possibly avoid it, partly because I don't enjoy shopping, and partly because my Bonus Mom (I dislike the word Stepmother) has offered to alter things for me when I'm ready.
I have also advanced to phase 3 diet, which means I can gradually begin introducing some vegetables and fruit, provided that they are cooked, soft and I avoid seeds and peels. Last night, for example, I had a small portion of baked chicken for supper, with a little dab of stewed tomatoes. Delicious! Vegetables can also add much-needed moisture to a meal, which makes it much easier to eat and digest.
The week after my last follow-up at the surgeon's office, The Hubs became ill. He went to a midnight movie on a Thursday and had scheduled time off from work the next day because he would be out so late. He said that after he got home from the movie he was having some abdominal pain that kept him from getting much sleep. He called the doctor, who was able to see him that Friday afternoon and, suspecting diverticulitis, sent him to the hospital for an abdominal CT scan. That night at 9:30, the doctor called us at home to tell us that the scan indicated pancreatitis, told us that The Hubs was to have no food for 48 hours, only clear liquids, take pain medication as needed and if his pain became unbearable to go to the emergency room. This began a week of medicine, temperature-taking, gradually introducing bland foods, watching and praying. The Hubs is not a complainer but I could tell that he just did not feel well. God's timing being what it is, I had scheduled time off that week for a trip, which I cancelled so I could be home and watch over The Hubs. I was so grateful that my time off was already in place and work was one less thing I needed to worry about.
We laid around a lot that week and didn't do a whole lot of anything. We both had freak-out moments during that time, but we also had moments of closeness, and even enjoyment. We spent an afternoon watching the first part of The Animaniacs box set, remembering when we first discovered these brilliantly written cartoons. We watched a lot of TV criminal misadventures, the opening ceremonies of The Olympics in London, and he caught up on DVRed episodes of Craig Ferguson. There was some Facebooking and other computer time. He missed a week of work, which, it turns out, was probably pretty typical. The doctor was prudent in suggesting that we treat the pancreatitis at home. From what we were able to learn, the condition generally runs its course in a week to 10 days, which is what we experienced. I am praying that this was an isolated thing that will not repeat itself.
The Hubs returned to work last week, says he has no pain, no fever and feels fine. Thank God. This was about as scared as I can remember being for a long time, maybe ever. I learned a lot from this experience. I know what I feel like when I am sick, what my pain tolerances are and what I can live with. When The Hubs is sick, I can't step inside him and feel what he feels. Those feelings of uncertainty and helplessness are awful. And it made me appreciate the times when he has experienced those same feelings as a caregiver when I have been the patient, including, most recently, following my weight loss surgery.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Following Up At The Surgeon's Office
Why I didn't need to be freaking out QUITE so much
I had my second follow-up visit at the surgeon's office today. I spoke first with one of the registered dieticians there, followed by a consult with a nurse. According to both of them I am actually a little ahead of schedule with my weight loss to this point, which is a relief. I was feeling like my weight loss was slow, so hearing from 2 different medical professionals that I am a little ahead of expectations felt good.
I am going to address something now that is very personal and not for the squeamish, so if stuff of this nature is bothersome, stop reading here. (I know there is no such thing as a paragraph with less than 3 sentences, but this is less a paragraph and more a disclaimer.)
OK. In the last few weeks there have been issues with...poop. I am only writing about this because I know some readers might be considering their own weight-loss surgeries, and poop is something that will come up afterward. Or in some cases, it won't come up...or, come out. I had a week in which I experienced some, shall we say, irregularity, and during that same week I actually gained 2 pounds. And I freaked out, hardcore. Frantically, I printed out the huge document given to me on CD at my last pre-op visit and found the section on "Constipation and Diarrhea" (I know, appealing, yes?) and found that both conditions are common and somewhat normal after weight loss surgery. It makes sense. Patients are not consuming nearly as much as before, and during the all-liquid phase, loose bowel movements are common. Once the puree' phase begins, the other end of the poop spectrum can happen, and with so little food going in, it can take time for a bowel movement to happen, and it can be reluctant when it does. Fortunately, there are ways to get things to balance themselves out, including probiotics, either in yogurt or as a supplement. The pounds I gained that week are gone, and they took a few of their friends with them, so that is also a relief. That week may have been my first plateau following surgery. Anyway, my weight loss seems to have resumed, at least for now, knock wood and Lord willing.
I am 1/3 of the way to goal weight. I lost a good bit of that prior to surgery, but still, this is an accomplishment to be excited about! And I am. I am also obsessive and impatient, fearing that I am not doing well enough. Old demons die hard, and those feelings of "not-good-enough-ness" will be difficult for me to shake, especially regarding something I have tried and failed at so many times. Surgery is a wonderful tool, but it's not a magic bullet, and it's not a quick fix. It's a tool...something I use to make the work a little easier and more efficient, not something that does all the work for me.
At my next doctor visit we will develop my formal exercise program, but today the nurse gave me some exercises for people with joint pain. I still have some joint issues, but I do think that the weight loss to this point has helped, and I am hopeful that further loss will help more. My energy is still not what I'd like it to be, but I think a lot of factors contribute to that. June where I live was one of the hottest on record, with many days topping the 100-degree mark, and heat like that makes me feel like a limp dish rag. Most days now we are in the 90's with about 1000% humidity. Blech. Plus, there are some sad emotional anniversaries this time of year and those things affect me. I am a sensitive Diva, after all. The document I printed from the doctor also said that some people experience a spike in depression following surgery, and I think that I have experienced that spike. Not an all-consuming, miserable depression, just sort of a bluer, more moody kind of feeling. As that fog lifts, and more pounds drop off, I feel sure that my energy will improve.
Knock wood and Lord willing!
I had my second follow-up visit at the surgeon's office today. I spoke first with one of the registered dieticians there, followed by a consult with a nurse. According to both of them I am actually a little ahead of schedule with my weight loss to this point, which is a relief. I was feeling like my weight loss was slow, so hearing from 2 different medical professionals that I am a little ahead of expectations felt good.
I am going to address something now that is very personal and not for the squeamish, so if stuff of this nature is bothersome, stop reading here. (I know there is no such thing as a paragraph with less than 3 sentences, but this is less a paragraph and more a disclaimer.)
OK. In the last few weeks there have been issues with...poop. I am only writing about this because I know some readers might be considering their own weight-loss surgeries, and poop is something that will come up afterward. Or in some cases, it won't come up...or, come out. I had a week in which I experienced some, shall we say, irregularity, and during that same week I actually gained 2 pounds. And I freaked out, hardcore. Frantically, I printed out the huge document given to me on CD at my last pre-op visit and found the section on "Constipation and Diarrhea" (I know, appealing, yes?) and found that both conditions are common and somewhat normal after weight loss surgery. It makes sense. Patients are not consuming nearly as much as before, and during the all-liquid phase, loose bowel movements are common. Once the puree' phase begins, the other end of the poop spectrum can happen, and with so little food going in, it can take time for a bowel movement to happen, and it can be reluctant when it does. Fortunately, there are ways to get things to balance themselves out, including probiotics, either in yogurt or as a supplement. The pounds I gained that week are gone, and they took a few of their friends with them, so that is also a relief. That week may have been my first plateau following surgery. Anyway, my weight loss seems to have resumed, at least for now, knock wood and Lord willing.
I am 1/3 of the way to goal weight. I lost a good bit of that prior to surgery, but still, this is an accomplishment to be excited about! And I am. I am also obsessive and impatient, fearing that I am not doing well enough. Old demons die hard, and those feelings of "not-good-enough-ness" will be difficult for me to shake, especially regarding something I have tried and failed at so many times. Surgery is a wonderful tool, but it's not a magic bullet, and it's not a quick fix. It's a tool...something I use to make the work a little easier and more efficient, not something that does all the work for me.
At my next doctor visit we will develop my formal exercise program, but today the nurse gave me some exercises for people with joint pain. I still have some joint issues, but I do think that the weight loss to this point has helped, and I am hopeful that further loss will help more. My energy is still not what I'd like it to be, but I think a lot of factors contribute to that. June where I live was one of the hottest on record, with many days topping the 100-degree mark, and heat like that makes me feel like a limp dish rag. Most days now we are in the 90's with about 1000% humidity. Blech. Plus, there are some sad emotional anniversaries this time of year and those things affect me. I am a sensitive Diva, after all. The document I printed from the doctor also said that some people experience a spike in depression following surgery, and I think that I have experienced that spike. Not an all-consuming, miserable depression, just sort of a bluer, more moody kind of feeling. As that fog lifts, and more pounds drop off, I feel sure that my energy will improve.
Knock wood and Lord willing!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Frequently Asked Questions
Because, apparently, inquring minds want to know
Since my return to the workplace following my surgery, I've had people asking a lot of questions about my operation, how I've gotten along with recovery and other miscellaneous things. So I thought I would take a moment and address some of those questions and answers here in case anyone else was curious about this process, and my progress with it.
1. How are you feeling?
Pretty decent most of the time, considering the extent and invasiveness of my particular procedure. I am a month out from surgery and my incisions are all healed. I still have some internal soreness, especially around/behind my belly button right now, which may be normal. I have an appointment with my surgeon soon and I'll be asking about that for sure, among other things. I don't have a ton of energy yet, but I am hoping that will improve with time.
2. What can you eat/what have you been eating?
For the first 4 weeks it was all liquids, but I have within the last couple of days graduated to the "puree' phase", which means that I can now add mashed beans and fish to my intake, as well as some yogurt and peanut butter. (I could add eggs and cottage cheese, but I hate them so, thanks, but no thanks.) It is still all protein foods, so I am still consuming a lot of the high-protein liquid supplements from the doctor to make sure I get enough protein, or at least, nearly enough protein, each day. After 4 weeks of liquid diet, I have never been so excited about mashed beans or fish in my life!
3. Do you get hungry?
Yes...and no. I can tell when my stomach is empty and I need to put something into it, and since I can only consume limited amounts, that emptiness happens more frequently and I need to eat more often. But as far as just thinking, "Oh, I'd like to get a bite to eat", not really. Frankly, right now, eating is an effort and I have to remind myself to do it. And that is totally strange.
4. Do you get cravings?
Not really. I mean, I remember the things I loved to eat before, but the thought of them doesn't really stimulate my appetite, and in some cases I get a little queasy thinking about them. As I mentioned before, eating now is an effort, so it's really just about sustaining myself.
5. What exactly did they do to you/how much did they cut you up?
My surgery was laparoscopic, so I have 7 small incisions, sort of in the shape of a smiley face. (Yes, it is weird.) The "eyes" were where the surgeon inserted some instruments. The center of the "smile" is a vertical incision where the camera was placed so my insides were visible and my surgeon could see what he was doing. On either side of that incision, there are 2 horizontal incisions where various other stuff happened, including possibly more instruments and one where the removed portion of my stomach was pulled out. I know, right? Gnarly. I hope there are pictures of my insides that I can see, because medical stuff fascinates me.
6. Is your weight loss on schedule?
I'm really not sure, to be honest. That's another question I'll have at my next visit. I want to lose quickly enough to stay encouraged, but not so fast that I end up with health problems because of too-rapid shrinkage. If I follow doctor's orders and my food and exercise plans, I can expect to get rid of 75-80% of my excess weight by the end of the first year. Including the weight I lost prior to surgery, I am 1/3 of the way to my goal, which is great. Surgery is not a magic bullet or a quick fix. It is simply a tool, often a really effective one, to assist in major and lasting weight loss. I still have to do the work. Surgery just makes the work a little easier, in some ways. I am expending more effort in other areas, such as making sure I consume enough, and enough of the right things.
These have been the most-asked questions, and these are the best answers I can come up with for them. As I travel farther down this path, I'll learn more, know more and I hope that, once I do, I can pass along what I've learned to someone else who is starting the journey. I am certainly grateful to those ahead of me who have shared their experiences and tips with me to make my journey easier. Paying that forward will be an honor and a privilege, and another way I can serve God by serving another person along the path.
Since my return to the workplace following my surgery, I've had people asking a lot of questions about my operation, how I've gotten along with recovery and other miscellaneous things. So I thought I would take a moment and address some of those questions and answers here in case anyone else was curious about this process, and my progress with it.
1. How are you feeling?
Pretty decent most of the time, considering the extent and invasiveness of my particular procedure. I am a month out from surgery and my incisions are all healed. I still have some internal soreness, especially around/behind my belly button right now, which may be normal. I have an appointment with my surgeon soon and I'll be asking about that for sure, among other things. I don't have a ton of energy yet, but I am hoping that will improve with time.
2. What can you eat/what have you been eating?
For the first 4 weeks it was all liquids, but I have within the last couple of days graduated to the "puree' phase", which means that I can now add mashed beans and fish to my intake, as well as some yogurt and peanut butter. (I could add eggs and cottage cheese, but I hate them so, thanks, but no thanks.) It is still all protein foods, so I am still consuming a lot of the high-protein liquid supplements from the doctor to make sure I get enough protein, or at least, nearly enough protein, each day. After 4 weeks of liquid diet, I have never been so excited about mashed beans or fish in my life!
3. Do you get hungry?
Yes...and no. I can tell when my stomach is empty and I need to put something into it, and since I can only consume limited amounts, that emptiness happens more frequently and I need to eat more often. But as far as just thinking, "Oh, I'd like to get a bite to eat", not really. Frankly, right now, eating is an effort and I have to remind myself to do it. And that is totally strange.
4. Do you get cravings?
Not really. I mean, I remember the things I loved to eat before, but the thought of them doesn't really stimulate my appetite, and in some cases I get a little queasy thinking about them. As I mentioned before, eating now is an effort, so it's really just about sustaining myself.
5. What exactly did they do to you/how much did they cut you up?
My surgery was laparoscopic, so I have 7 small incisions, sort of in the shape of a smiley face. (Yes, it is weird.) The "eyes" were where the surgeon inserted some instruments. The center of the "smile" is a vertical incision where the camera was placed so my insides were visible and my surgeon could see what he was doing. On either side of that incision, there are 2 horizontal incisions where various other stuff happened, including possibly more instruments and one where the removed portion of my stomach was pulled out. I know, right? Gnarly. I hope there are pictures of my insides that I can see, because medical stuff fascinates me.
6. Is your weight loss on schedule?
I'm really not sure, to be honest. That's another question I'll have at my next visit. I want to lose quickly enough to stay encouraged, but not so fast that I end up with health problems because of too-rapid shrinkage. If I follow doctor's orders and my food and exercise plans, I can expect to get rid of 75-80% of my excess weight by the end of the first year. Including the weight I lost prior to surgery, I am 1/3 of the way to my goal, which is great. Surgery is not a magic bullet or a quick fix. It is simply a tool, often a really effective one, to assist in major and lasting weight loss. I still have to do the work. Surgery just makes the work a little easier, in some ways. I am expending more effort in other areas, such as making sure I consume enough, and enough of the right things.
These have been the most-asked questions, and these are the best answers I can come up with for them. As I travel farther down this path, I'll learn more, know more and I hope that, once I do, I can pass along what I've learned to someone else who is starting the journey. I am certainly grateful to those ahead of me who have shared their experiences and tips with me to make my journey easier. Paying that forward will be an honor and a privilege, and another way I can serve God by serving another person along the path.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Random Information About The Shrinking Diva...
...for anyone who wants to know
(Taken from another note I posted elsewhere)
I've been married since June 21, 1986 to The Hubs
Since 1988, I've worked in radio/television
I may be the only person left on the planet with no tattoos (actually The Hubs isn't inked, either) although Our Boy Roy (the dog) has a tattoo and a microchip from the shelter
I do have 5 ear piercings (3 left, 2 right) all done by my Aunt Ruby with a sewing machine needle
I also have some scars from operations, including 7 neat little ones from my latest surgical adventure,which may be the reason I feel no need to get tattooed
Speaking in public does not scare me, but singing still gives me a little stagefright, depending on the audience
I love the fact that my extended family can come up with words like "decrapidated" (Aunt Martha)
I have more family in Heaven now than I have here, but their love and their memories live with me every day
Anything good in my life is due to God's grace---the bad stuff is due to me screwing things up
I collect ugly neckties (the uglier the better!), as well as old hymnals, Bibles and figurines of dogs, pigs and angels
I believe that friends are the family we choose for ourselves
I'll never stop missing Mama
(Taken from another note I posted elsewhere)
I've been married since June 21, 1986 to The Hubs
Since 1988, I've worked in radio/television
I may be the only person left on the planet with no tattoos (actually The Hubs isn't inked, either) although Our Boy Roy (the dog) has a tattoo and a microchip from the shelter
I do have 5 ear piercings (3 left, 2 right) all done by my Aunt Ruby with a sewing machine needle
I also have some scars from operations, including 7 neat little ones from my latest surgical adventure,which may be the reason I feel no need to get tattooed
Speaking in public does not scare me, but singing still gives me a little stagefright, depending on the audience
I love the fact that my extended family can come up with words like "decrapidated" (Aunt Martha)
I have more family in Heaven now than I have here, but their love and their memories live with me every day
Anything good in my life is due to God's grace---the bad stuff is due to me screwing things up
I collect ugly neckties (the uglier the better!), as well as old hymnals, Bibles and figurines of dogs, pigs and angels
I believe that friends are the family we choose for ourselves
I'll never stop missing Mama
Monday, July 2, 2012
Turning 70
In honor of Mama's 73rd birthday, I am sharing a note that I wrote on Facebook 3 years ago. I hope it gives the reader a little insight into who she was, why she was special, and why I hope I inherited some of her more memorable traits. I miss her every day, and I hope she'd be proud of some of the things I've been up to.
This July 4, my sweet (and sometimes spicy!) Mama would be turning 70. She died on Demember 8, 1997 at about 2:40 in the morning. I was with her all that last long day that she lived, during most of which she was in the "agonal stage" of dying, I have since learned. And that night, when Dad came to the hospital thinking he was relieving me so I could go home, I stayed on because I felt sure she would not survive the night and I didn't want to leave.
Mama was not the first loved one for whose death I was present. When one of my Uncle Johns passed away, (I was blessed with 2 Uncle Johns in my family) I was with my cousins and Aunt Ruby, who so generously included me in the final moments of his time on earth. I have found that the experience of watching a loved one die is life-changing and, for me, a sacred moment. As difficult as it is to lose someone I've loved, I have been aware that I was watching them go to be with God. And with each person I've seen begin that journey to heaven (Uncle John, then Mama, and then Pop-In-Law and Mom-In-Law) I loved them deeply and hoped that when it's my turn to go, someone is with me who loves me just as much.
My Mama was like no one else, strong but tender, independent but hated being alone, quick to fly off the handle but also quick to apologize. Full of contradictions, complexities and compassion, she spent the biggest part of her life taking care of other people. She was a rebellious spirit but also a woman of great faith in Jesus. Mama was not always concerned about being very well-read, but she had the most sense about people of anyone I've ever met and could smell BS a mile away...and had a very low tolerance for it. She always made our friends feel welcome in our home and could carry on a fun, thought-provoking conversation with anyone (provided they were not spewing the aforementioned BS.) She lived and loved with her whole heart and died way too early.
I always tell people that her July 4 birthday suited her perfectly because she was a real firecracker. Even though she's gone from this world and my daily, physical life, she is always with me and gives me gifts every day. Sometimes now, my laughter sounds like hers, and it's like the music of the ages bubbling up from me and her and all the women of our family. I'll never outgrow the reality that when I am in trouble or sadness or pain, I still want my Mama.
This July 4, my sweet (and sometimes spicy!) Mama would be turning 70. She died on Demember 8, 1997 at about 2:40 in the morning. I was with her all that last long day that she lived, during most of which she was in the "agonal stage" of dying, I have since learned. And that night, when Dad came to the hospital thinking he was relieving me so I could go home, I stayed on because I felt sure she would not survive the night and I didn't want to leave.
Mama was not the first loved one for whose death I was present. When one of my Uncle Johns passed away, (I was blessed with 2 Uncle Johns in my family) I was with my cousins and Aunt Ruby, who so generously included me in the final moments of his time on earth. I have found that the experience of watching a loved one die is life-changing and, for me, a sacred moment. As difficult as it is to lose someone I've loved, I have been aware that I was watching them go to be with God. And with each person I've seen begin that journey to heaven (Uncle John, then Mama, and then Pop-In-Law and Mom-In-Law) I loved them deeply and hoped that when it's my turn to go, someone is with me who loves me just as much.
My Mama was like no one else, strong but tender, independent but hated being alone, quick to fly off the handle but also quick to apologize. Full of contradictions, complexities and compassion, she spent the biggest part of her life taking care of other people. She was a rebellious spirit but also a woman of great faith in Jesus. Mama was not always concerned about being very well-read, but she had the most sense about people of anyone I've ever met and could smell BS a mile away...and had a very low tolerance for it. She always made our friends feel welcome in our home and could carry on a fun, thought-provoking conversation with anyone (provided they were not spewing the aforementioned BS.) She lived and loved with her whole heart and died way too early.
I always tell people that her July 4 birthday suited her perfectly because she was a real firecracker. Even though she's gone from this world and my daily, physical life, she is always with me and gives me gifts every day. Sometimes now, my laughter sounds like hers, and it's like the music of the ages bubbling up from me and her and all the women of our family. I'll never outgrow the reality that when I am in trouble or sadness or pain, I still want my Mama.
The Ever-Changing Never-Changing
Why losing weight won't solve every problem
Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length glass door as I was walking to enter a building. What I noticed, aside from wicked humidity hair, was how big my jeans looked on my body. I am only down about 20 pounds since my surgery, so the sight of my pants swirling around my legs was a surprise. Still, progress is progress, however slow it might feel. At my next appointment with my surgeon I need to ask him what his expectations are as far as the pace of my weight loss. If I lose the weight too slowly I could get discouraged and lose momentum. If I lose too much too quickly, I know it can lead to some health problems. If I wanted health problems I would not have bothered with surgery in the first place!
Flash forward to this morning when I awoke with a THUNDERING headache. As I have written about in earlier blogs, I have been a headache sufferer for as long as I can remember, with migraines starting around puberty. Unfortunately, my headaches are an issue that weight loss most likely will not resolve. I am not a doctor and I don't pretend to have any special knowledge about the headache phenomenon other than my own experience, but I suspect that headaches are not going to go away as my size decreases. I don't expect them to. I don't recall any research that makes a correlation between weight and headaches. And as much research as I have done over the years I surely would have found it.
So, as much of my body changes, parts of it will not. As much of my body changes, some things in my thinking will also change. And they need to. A book given to me by a dear friend and fellow traveler along the weight loss path deals a lot with our self-talk and how important it is for us to discard the old, negative thinking and replace it with self-encouragement. The world in general is not all that friendly to plus size people, and for many of us, that unfriendliness begins early in life. Years of scripts run through our minds and try to sabotage our efforts at change...the voices of those who have seen us fail at weight loss saying that we are bound to fail again because failure is all we've ever known...that we can't change.
Yes, we can. We CAN change. Can I change my headaches? Maybe not. Can I change my body? That is why I opted to pursue weight loss surgery. Can I change my thinking? With effort and dedication, you bet I can. I am staking my health and my future on it.
Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length glass door as I was walking to enter a building. What I noticed, aside from wicked humidity hair, was how big my jeans looked on my body. I am only down about 20 pounds since my surgery, so the sight of my pants swirling around my legs was a surprise. Still, progress is progress, however slow it might feel. At my next appointment with my surgeon I need to ask him what his expectations are as far as the pace of my weight loss. If I lose the weight too slowly I could get discouraged and lose momentum. If I lose too much too quickly, I know it can lead to some health problems. If I wanted health problems I would not have bothered with surgery in the first place!
Flash forward to this morning when I awoke with a THUNDERING headache. As I have written about in earlier blogs, I have been a headache sufferer for as long as I can remember, with migraines starting around puberty. Unfortunately, my headaches are an issue that weight loss most likely will not resolve. I am not a doctor and I don't pretend to have any special knowledge about the headache phenomenon other than my own experience, but I suspect that headaches are not going to go away as my size decreases. I don't expect them to. I don't recall any research that makes a correlation between weight and headaches. And as much research as I have done over the years I surely would have found it.
So, as much of my body changes, parts of it will not. As much of my body changes, some things in my thinking will also change. And they need to. A book given to me by a dear friend and fellow traveler along the weight loss path deals a lot with our self-talk and how important it is for us to discard the old, negative thinking and replace it with self-encouragement. The world in general is not all that friendly to plus size people, and for many of us, that unfriendliness begins early in life. Years of scripts run through our minds and try to sabotage our efforts at change...the voices of those who have seen us fail at weight loss saying that we are bound to fail again because failure is all we've ever known...that we can't change.
Yes, we can. We CAN change. Can I change my headaches? Maybe not. Can I change my body? That is why I opted to pursue weight loss surgery. Can I change my thinking? With effort and dedication, you bet I can. I am staking my health and my future on it.
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