My 2-year surg-i-versary and the end of The Incredible Shrinking Diva
Two years ago today was my weight loss surgery, and the beginning of a new chapter of life for me. I am writing this post from the lobby of the Crowne Plaza Times Square Hotel in New York City! My chorus has brought a group here to join with several other elite choral groups from around the country to premiere "Chronicles of Blue and Gray" at Carnegie Hall this Sunday afternoon. You've no doubt heard the old joke:
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, practice, practice!
For me, that answer is only partially true. For me, before surgery and weight loss, this trip would have been, at the very least, miserably uncomfortable. At the most realistic, it would have been impossible. As I boarded the tiny puddle-jumper plane for the first leg of the trip up here, I gave thanks for the fact that I could maneuver my body and haul my luggage without pain, and without assistance. I was able to fit comfortably in the seats on both planes and my seat belts had room to spare. Before, I would have needed a seat belt extender, and even then it would have been a squeeze.
Walking around the city to shop and sightsee has been a little tiring toward the end of the day...but it has not been painful. My hips and ankles don't hurt me anymore. I do need to make sure I have enough energy, which means I need to make sure I eat enough to fuel my body sufficiently. That is an interesting bit of irony. I am having a wonderful time on this, my first ever trip to The Big Apple, and it's a trip that I can't imagine being able to make before. It just would have been too much of an effort and I would have been miserable, if I even had the guts to try to make it in the first place. And that is a very BIG IF.
So as I bring The Incredible Shrinking Diva blog to a close, I do so with profound gratitude for the support I've had and the results I am enjoying. And I am grateful for the friends I've made along the way, which will find their way into my other blog and the stories I tell there. So to Dr. Awesome, Dr. Gut-Check, Dr. Slice-and-Dice and Dr. FancyPants, I say Thank You! I will always remember The Humility Pimple, The Vomit Brigade, The Four Horsemen of the A-Puke-o-Lypse, Mr, Chin Whisker and the rest of the cast of characters that have populated my journey. It has been a crazy ride getting to The New Normal. But it's been a good ride, and I like it here.
Much Love and Many Thanks!
Friday, June 6, 2014
Friday, October 25, 2013
Another Anniversary
Two years since it all began
On October 25, 2011, The Hubs and I went in for our first consultation with my weight loss surgeon. I can barely believe it's been 2 years since this journey of change began for us both. The shrinking phase of the process has pretty much been completed, although I would like to shave off another 4 pounds to get to a total of 140 lost. But I am not obsessing over it. If it is meant to happen, it will. The doctor and the dietician are happy with my weight where it is, so if it's good enough for them, who am I to quibble about it?
What have the last 2 years been like? What have I learned? What is next for me?
The process has been filled with victories and frustrations, and for the first few months after my surgery, quite a bit of pain was involved, both physical and emotional. I had moments of wondering whether I would ever feel like myself again (that period passed and I now feel like a better, healthier, slightly more confident version of myself). I have gradually replaced most of my wardrobe, which was a little bit scary at first. Being as large as I was for as long as I was, venturing into new types of clothing felt risky for me, but little by little I am learning not only what fits me, but what flatters my new size and shape as well. I had forgotten that dressing myself could actually be fun!
My body as a musical instrument functions differently now, and I notice that after I have been to chorus rehearsals, my ribs are sometimes sore afterward, because I am learning how to engage my core again while singing. I seem to breathe better and more deeply, which can only be a good thing. My lungs will never be what they were when I was in college because some illnesses over the years have left me with scarring. But they have more room to breathe deeply now that a lot of abdominal fat is gone. I hear and feel subtle changes in my tone as well, partly due to age, and partly due to the weight loss.
Some of my relationships with people are different now, not necessarily because I want them to be. The fact is that once I stopped being always the fattest person in the room, some people began to treat me differently. Some are nicer, some are more aloof. It doesn't really matter to me. The people who have always supported and loved me, whatever size and shape I am, continue to do so. The ones who are nicer to me because I am now more "presentable" only value appearances, not what is inside a person. The essence of me is still the same. It's just living in a smaller house.
What is next for me? Only God knows the answer to that question. I hope and pray for continued strength, good health, happiness and peace for me and for the people I love. I pray for opportunities to share His goodness with the people I meet along the way, to soothe and comfort those who are hurting, to rejoice with those who are happy and to make a positive difference in the world around me. I want my life to mean something, and when it's over, I want to leave a good legacy behind. Most of all, I want my life to be like a song, composed with passion and sincerity, pleasing to the ears of my Maker.
On October 25, 2011, The Hubs and I went in for our first consultation with my weight loss surgeon. I can barely believe it's been 2 years since this journey of change began for us both. The shrinking phase of the process has pretty much been completed, although I would like to shave off another 4 pounds to get to a total of 140 lost. But I am not obsessing over it. If it is meant to happen, it will. The doctor and the dietician are happy with my weight where it is, so if it's good enough for them, who am I to quibble about it?
What have the last 2 years been like? What have I learned? What is next for me?
The process has been filled with victories and frustrations, and for the first few months after my surgery, quite a bit of pain was involved, both physical and emotional. I had moments of wondering whether I would ever feel like myself again (that period passed and I now feel like a better, healthier, slightly more confident version of myself). I have gradually replaced most of my wardrobe, which was a little bit scary at first. Being as large as I was for as long as I was, venturing into new types of clothing felt risky for me, but little by little I am learning not only what fits me, but what flatters my new size and shape as well. I had forgotten that dressing myself could actually be fun!
My body as a musical instrument functions differently now, and I notice that after I have been to chorus rehearsals, my ribs are sometimes sore afterward, because I am learning how to engage my core again while singing. I seem to breathe better and more deeply, which can only be a good thing. My lungs will never be what they were when I was in college because some illnesses over the years have left me with scarring. But they have more room to breathe deeply now that a lot of abdominal fat is gone. I hear and feel subtle changes in my tone as well, partly due to age, and partly due to the weight loss.
Some of my relationships with people are different now, not necessarily because I want them to be. The fact is that once I stopped being always the fattest person in the room, some people began to treat me differently. Some are nicer, some are more aloof. It doesn't really matter to me. The people who have always supported and loved me, whatever size and shape I am, continue to do so. The ones who are nicer to me because I am now more "presentable" only value appearances, not what is inside a person. The essence of me is still the same. It's just living in a smaller house.
What is next for me? Only God knows the answer to that question. I hope and pray for continued strength, good health, happiness and peace for me and for the people I love. I pray for opportunities to share His goodness with the people I meet along the way, to soothe and comfort those who are hurting, to rejoice with those who are happy and to make a positive difference in the world around me. I want my life to mean something, and when it's over, I want to leave a good legacy behind. Most of all, I want my life to be like a song, composed with passion and sincerity, pleasing to the ears of my Maker.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Fifteen Months Since Surgery
Drama, trauma, bloodwork and visiting Comfort Food Land
September 6 was my 15-month surg-i-versary so I am a few days late writing this post. But I waited on purpose so I could share an update from my last bloodwork. I had blood drawn twice last week, once at Dr. Gut-Check's office, my GI doctor. We have been watching my liver levels for a while and done various tests since my physical in January, when a couple of my levels were elevated. Good news from Dr. Gut-Check! My liver levels have improved since my last check in July and are almost completely back to normal.
My second blood test as for nutrient levels, specifically protein, iron and vitamin K. All those levels are still low since my last check 3 months ago, but no lower than they were, so while they have not improved, they are no worse, either. The nurse called and told me to go ahead and increase my vitamin K, and she wants to talk to the doctor to find out how to proceed with my iron supplementation. Protein is always an issue, as it is hard to get in 100 grams daily while staying within my calorie allowance. More shakes are probably in my future. A shake made with skim milk is 160 calories and 23 grams of protein, definitely my biggest protein bang for the calorie buck!
Elsewhere, my world has changed dramatically and traumatically. Just a few days after my last post, my precious Aunt Ruby suffered a massive stroke. She was taken to the emergency room, evaluated and treated with TPA, a powerful and risky clot-busting medicine. There was really no option but to go ahead ith the TPA because the stroke was completely debilitating. The following morning she suffered a brain bleed and she passed away that night, surrounded by her family. Anyone who has followed this blog has read about Aunt Ruby, and knows what a loss this is for our family, and for me.
This is my first major loss since surgery, and I have found myself returning briefly to some of my old, eating-for-comfort habits. I have known exactly what I was doing each mouthful of the way, so it's not as though I have been unaware of my actions. As a result I packed on a few pounds. I learned something from this little detour into Comfort Food Land. The comfort that comes is only temporary, but if I am not careful, the weight gain could become permanent.
So I am still weighing myself every morning to keep myself accountable, and this week I lost back down to where I was. Surgery has not made me bulletproof; I know that I can screw this process up if I am not careful. Because of this awareness and the fact that I am at increased risk right now because of my emotions, I have taken a break from hospice volunteering. I need to work through my own bereavement before I go back to face the grief of other people. I am considering participating in a grief group at church. If I need counseling, that is a possibility as well.
I'll be OK, eventually. We all will be OK, eventually. My cousins, my brother and I will all need to work through our grief individually, each of us being careful to care for our unique concerns and issues in the process. For me, for right now, I need to be diligent in taking care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And part of that means feeling the feelings of grief as they come and not trying to anesthetize myself with food. I can't be taking too many detours to Comfort Food Land.
September 6 was my 15-month surg-i-versary so I am a few days late writing this post. But I waited on purpose so I could share an update from my last bloodwork. I had blood drawn twice last week, once at Dr. Gut-Check's office, my GI doctor. We have been watching my liver levels for a while and done various tests since my physical in January, when a couple of my levels were elevated. Good news from Dr. Gut-Check! My liver levels have improved since my last check in July and are almost completely back to normal.
My second blood test as for nutrient levels, specifically protein, iron and vitamin K. All those levels are still low since my last check 3 months ago, but no lower than they were, so while they have not improved, they are no worse, either. The nurse called and told me to go ahead and increase my vitamin K, and she wants to talk to the doctor to find out how to proceed with my iron supplementation. Protein is always an issue, as it is hard to get in 100 grams daily while staying within my calorie allowance. More shakes are probably in my future. A shake made with skim milk is 160 calories and 23 grams of protein, definitely my biggest protein bang for the calorie buck!
Elsewhere, my world has changed dramatically and traumatically. Just a few days after my last post, my precious Aunt Ruby suffered a massive stroke. She was taken to the emergency room, evaluated and treated with TPA, a powerful and risky clot-busting medicine. There was really no option but to go ahead ith the TPA because the stroke was completely debilitating. The following morning she suffered a brain bleed and she passed away that night, surrounded by her family. Anyone who has followed this blog has read about Aunt Ruby, and knows what a loss this is for our family, and for me.
This is my first major loss since surgery, and I have found myself returning briefly to some of my old, eating-for-comfort habits. I have known exactly what I was doing each mouthful of the way, so it's not as though I have been unaware of my actions. As a result I packed on a few pounds. I learned something from this little detour into Comfort Food Land. The comfort that comes is only temporary, but if I am not careful, the weight gain could become permanent.
So I am still weighing myself every morning to keep myself accountable, and this week I lost back down to where I was. Surgery has not made me bulletproof; I know that I can screw this process up if I am not careful. Because of this awareness and the fact that I am at increased risk right now because of my emotions, I have taken a break from hospice volunteering. I need to work through my own bereavement before I go back to face the grief of other people. I am considering participating in a grief group at church. If I need counseling, that is a possibility as well.
I'll be OK, eventually. We all will be OK, eventually. My cousins, my brother and I will all need to work through our grief individually, each of us being careful to care for our unique concerns and issues in the process. For me, for right now, I need to be diligent in taking care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And part of that means feeling the feelings of grief as they come and not trying to anesthetize myself with food. I can't be taking too many detours to Comfort Food Land.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Fourteen Months Since My Surgery
Vital statistics, "wow" moments, and welcoming new friends on the path
Today is my 14-month surg-i-versary and as of this morning I have lost a total of 136 pounds. I guess that is "wow" moment number 1! Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this much weight would be gone at this point...or ever, actually. It was more than I could conceive or wrap my head around when this whole process began, and I am grateful beyond measure for the gift of feeling better.
The past month since my last update here has held several "wow" moments. Most people would not place wearing heels in that category, but I do. A couple of weekends ago, I met up with my dear, longtime friend Mary K. for our annual girlfriend getaway. We worked on scrapbook and Christmas card projects, visited and caught up on each other's lives, work, families and whatnot. And there was shopping! (Last year's getaway for us was much different. I was less than a month out from surgery and still feeling pretty rough around the edges, so it was a very quiet weekend.) Anyway, back to the shopping. There is a huge outlet mall where we were staying and we did a little damage there. We went to a shoe place and I found, and bought, 2 pairs of shoes with heels. As a heavy woman with very small feet and weak/injured ankles, I have worn nothing but flats for a very long time. Imagine my surprise and delight when I tried on some cute heels that were also fairly comfortable, and that I could walk in without looking or sounding like a herd of cattle! And they were on sale at a ridiculous discount! Epic win. I wore the taller pair to work one day last week and made it through the whole day with them. I could tell that my leg muscles were working, which is a good thing, and I think I burned extra calories as well. Since my working day is basically 12 hours from leaving to coming home, heels for church should be no problem, Lord willing and knock wood. I also scored a killer denim jacket that I wore the same day with the killer heels. It's the first denim jacket I've owned that really fits well and looks good. Another epic win.
A couple of people at work who had not seen me in a while had some really nice things to say about the changes in my appearance and improved well-being. One lady said she almost didn't recognize me. A fellow who comes in to do maintenance on some of our systems commented that it looked like I had taken off a lot of weight, and I explained that I'd undergone weight loss surgery last summer. He said, "Well, you must feel so much better, and you look fantastic! If it's OK for me to say that..." I laughed and told him that yes, it is totally OK to say that. And I may have blushed a little. It's kind of funny, and kind of sad, that people feel so paranoid about paying a compliment anymore, for fear of harrassment complaints. Mostly sad. The most interesting of these encounters was when a guy I see every day remarked that I was looking thin, asked if I was feeling well and healthy, and said he wouldn't want me shrinking too much. Excuse me? I could not possibly have heard that right! (This was the day I wore the heels and killer jacket, by the way.)
I am always open now about having had surgery. Some people have the surgery and never tell anyone. I certainly appreciate and respect the right to keep these matters private. I didn't tell a lot of people what I was planning until shortly before the surgery actually happened, after all. Once surgery was completed, I knew that I'd rather tell people how the weight loss was happening than to have them speculate about what I might or might not have done. Last week, two lady friends of mine underwent their own weight loss procedures. Their procedures were different from the one I had. I don't know how private they are going to be about their respective journeys with recovery, weight loss and all that goes along with this process. I admire, respect and support them in whatever way they choose to proceed. I empathize with them for the guts needed to take the step toward well-being, the discomfort they will endure as they heal from surgery and the many changes they will experience in the coming months, positive and negative alike. I pray for them on their journeys. A third lady friend is planning her procedure for the fall, and she is in my prayers while she continues the preparation phase. For each of these brave ladies, I pray most of all that they will realize that they are already beautiful! I pray that they each will be glad they did it, that they will recover well, that they will feel wonderful and bloom into the vibrant, healthy, strong women they are meant to be.
Today is my 14-month surg-i-versary and as of this morning I have lost a total of 136 pounds. I guess that is "wow" moment number 1! Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this much weight would be gone at this point...or ever, actually. It was more than I could conceive or wrap my head around when this whole process began, and I am grateful beyond measure for the gift of feeling better.
The past month since my last update here has held several "wow" moments. Most people would not place wearing heels in that category, but I do. A couple of weekends ago, I met up with my dear, longtime friend Mary K. for our annual girlfriend getaway. We worked on scrapbook and Christmas card projects, visited and caught up on each other's lives, work, families and whatnot. And there was shopping! (Last year's getaway for us was much different. I was less than a month out from surgery and still feeling pretty rough around the edges, so it was a very quiet weekend.) Anyway, back to the shopping. There is a huge outlet mall where we were staying and we did a little damage there. We went to a shoe place and I found, and bought, 2 pairs of shoes with heels. As a heavy woman with very small feet and weak/injured ankles, I have worn nothing but flats for a very long time. Imagine my surprise and delight when I tried on some cute heels that were also fairly comfortable, and that I could walk in without looking or sounding like a herd of cattle! And they were on sale at a ridiculous discount! Epic win. I wore the taller pair to work one day last week and made it through the whole day with them. I could tell that my leg muscles were working, which is a good thing, and I think I burned extra calories as well. Since my working day is basically 12 hours from leaving to coming home, heels for church should be no problem, Lord willing and knock wood. I also scored a killer denim jacket that I wore the same day with the killer heels. It's the first denim jacket I've owned that really fits well and looks good. Another epic win.
A couple of people at work who had not seen me in a while had some really nice things to say about the changes in my appearance and improved well-being. One lady said she almost didn't recognize me. A fellow who comes in to do maintenance on some of our systems commented that it looked like I had taken off a lot of weight, and I explained that I'd undergone weight loss surgery last summer. He said, "Well, you must feel so much better, and you look fantastic! If it's OK for me to say that..." I laughed and told him that yes, it is totally OK to say that. And I may have blushed a little. It's kind of funny, and kind of sad, that people feel so paranoid about paying a compliment anymore, for fear of harrassment complaints. Mostly sad. The most interesting of these encounters was when a guy I see every day remarked that I was looking thin, asked if I was feeling well and healthy, and said he wouldn't want me shrinking too much. Excuse me? I could not possibly have heard that right! (This was the day I wore the heels and killer jacket, by the way.)
I am always open now about having had surgery. Some people have the surgery and never tell anyone. I certainly appreciate and respect the right to keep these matters private. I didn't tell a lot of people what I was planning until shortly before the surgery actually happened, after all. Once surgery was completed, I knew that I'd rather tell people how the weight loss was happening than to have them speculate about what I might or might not have done. Last week, two lady friends of mine underwent their own weight loss procedures. Their procedures were different from the one I had. I don't know how private they are going to be about their respective journeys with recovery, weight loss and all that goes along with this process. I admire, respect and support them in whatever way they choose to proceed. I empathize with them for the guts needed to take the step toward well-being, the discomfort they will endure as they heal from surgery and the many changes they will experience in the coming months, positive and negative alike. I pray for them on their journeys. A third lady friend is planning her procedure for the fall, and she is in my prayers while she continues the preparation phase. For each of these brave ladies, I pray most of all that they will realize that they are already beautiful! I pray that they each will be glad they did it, that they will recover well, that they will feel wonderful and bloom into the vibrant, healthy, strong women they are meant to be.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Thirteen Months Since Surgery
Tests, more tests and, did I mention there were tests?
Today is my 13 month surg-i-versary, and in the past month I have undergone some medical testing related to my still-elevated liver enzymes. My surgeon referred me to my GI doctor, Dr. Gut-Check, who examined me, ordered 11 vials of blood drawn to check for everything from various types of hepatitis to hemochromotosis, and scheduled an ultrasound. The ultrasound was fine, as was the bloodwork, with one exception.
My blood workup showed Celiac sprue. I freaked out and started doing research to see exactly what that could mean. Celiac disease, an intolerance/allergy to gluten, would mean a radical change in my diet, which has already undergone plenty of radical changes in the last year and a half, thank you very much. Celiac disease destroys the villi in the intestinal tract, which are little fingerlike projections that help the body absorb nutrients from food. I am already at a higher risk for nutritional deficiencies because of my surgery.
Celiac would also be a logistical nightmare. Separate shelves for food storage (upper shelves for gluten-free foods to keep them from having gluten-food particles fall on them), costly gluten-free shopping, more fine-tooth-comb label reading, constant fear of cross-contamination...the list of concerns is endless. Dr. Gut-Check also scheduled an upper endoscopy to go into my stomach and small intestine with a lighted scope to look around in there for more information. The endoscopy was this past Wednesday. When I awoke from the procedure Dr. Gut-Check told me that she took tissue samples to biopsy because she "couldn't really tell anything by looking". I said, "You mean I still have villi?" And she responded that I do indeed still have villi, and my paperwork said my mucosa was normal. Encouraging signs for sure. But I am still waiting for the biopsy results with some nervousness.
I don't want to have to deal with Celiac disease for about a dozen different reasons, most of which I listed earlier. The logistics of it are just staggering. Plus, I am nervous about the possible organ damage that can come from this condition, including liver damage. My liver levels are where this whole thing started. I just want to be OK. I pursued surgery to gain a healthier, stronger life. And I know that people with Celiac disease can live healthy, strong lives...with LOTS of adjustments.
I am praying that the biopsy results are normal and my liver levels are just a blip on the radar that we'll keep an eye on. I am praying that Celiac disease is not an issue for me. I am praying that my intestinal villi stay strong and functional. Mostly, though, I am praying for the grace to accept whatever comes...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Today is my 13 month surg-i-versary, and in the past month I have undergone some medical testing related to my still-elevated liver enzymes. My surgeon referred me to my GI doctor, Dr. Gut-Check, who examined me, ordered 11 vials of blood drawn to check for everything from various types of hepatitis to hemochromotosis, and scheduled an ultrasound. The ultrasound was fine, as was the bloodwork, with one exception.
My blood workup showed Celiac sprue. I freaked out and started doing research to see exactly what that could mean. Celiac disease, an intolerance/allergy to gluten, would mean a radical change in my diet, which has already undergone plenty of radical changes in the last year and a half, thank you very much. Celiac disease destroys the villi in the intestinal tract, which are little fingerlike projections that help the body absorb nutrients from food. I am already at a higher risk for nutritional deficiencies because of my surgery.
Celiac would also be a logistical nightmare. Separate shelves for food storage (upper shelves for gluten-free foods to keep them from having gluten-food particles fall on them), costly gluten-free shopping, more fine-tooth-comb label reading, constant fear of cross-contamination...the list of concerns is endless. Dr. Gut-Check also scheduled an upper endoscopy to go into my stomach and small intestine with a lighted scope to look around in there for more information. The endoscopy was this past Wednesday. When I awoke from the procedure Dr. Gut-Check told me that she took tissue samples to biopsy because she "couldn't really tell anything by looking". I said, "You mean I still have villi?" And she responded that I do indeed still have villi, and my paperwork said my mucosa was normal. Encouraging signs for sure. But I am still waiting for the biopsy results with some nervousness.
I don't want to have to deal with Celiac disease for about a dozen different reasons, most of which I listed earlier. The logistics of it are just staggering. Plus, I am nervous about the possible organ damage that can come from this condition, including liver damage. My liver levels are where this whole thing started. I just want to be OK. I pursued surgery to gain a healthier, stronger life. And I know that people with Celiac disease can live healthy, strong lives...with LOTS of adjustments.
I am praying that the biopsy results are normal and my liver levels are just a blip on the radar that we'll keep an eye on. I am praying that Celiac disease is not an issue for me. I am praying that my intestinal villi stay strong and functional. Mostly, though, I am praying for the grace to accept whatever comes...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Size, Shape, Compliments and Fruit Salad
Why labels are pretty much meaningless...
It has been a good week. I was able to reconnect with some of my CPE peer group, including our supervisor, for dinner and a little time to visit. What a joy to see these beautiful faces and to bask in their company for a few hours! They were intimately involved with my preparation for weight loss surgery and poured such love and support into my life during our time together. I am convinced that they were an integral part of my pre-op success and that period would not have been the same without them.
It was also a week of compliments around the workplace. It is nice to receive affirmation on positive changes, and most of the time I am really grateful. Occasionally, though, someone's attempt at a compliment seems awkward, or overly familiar, and ends up making me feel a little uncomfortable. Case in point: a lady whose face I had seen before but who I don't really know, saw me and rushed over to comment on my changed appearance, grabbing my hands and gushing about how great I looked. I was thinking, "Have we actually ever met before?" She felt like she knew me, obviously. A different time someone commented on my weight loss, and, as always, I explained that I'd had weight loss surgery (I am always wide open about that, with everyone). She said it was great that I did it and had "learned how to stop..." and then made the gesture of hand-to-mouth, as if shoveling in food. She also apparently felt familiar enough to talk to me like that. She is not that familiar, and this exchange was not OK. A gentleman in the break room complimented me this week and it was kind of humorous. We have actually had conversations before so I didn't mind him mentioning it. He said I looked "good, I mean, healthy...I mean, it's hard to compliment somebody without being afraid of saying the wrong thing and ending up in HR." I laughed my head off and assure him that he was safe. If he'd said something like, "I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard!" we might have had a little problem, but he was nice and I appreciated the compliment.
I have an appointment with Dr. Gut-Check (the gastroenterologist) in a couple of days to try and determine the source of my elevated liver enzymes. When I learn more, I'll write about it here. I still want to lose a few more pounds, and I have a few that I can lose before getting to my dietician-recommended minimum. The fact that I even have a minimum still feels crazy to me. My size and shape will probably continue to settle and change a little over the coming months.
I've been thinking a lot about "size" this week, especially how clothing sizes for women don't make any sense. This week, I wore jeans in sizes from 12 to 18, and they all fit me. What's up with that?! I bought a pair of vintage Levi's on Ebay a few weeks ago that are an 18, but the waist measurement is the same as the new size 12 Levi's I just bought last week. The only thing I can do now when shopping is to go by the tape measure numbers, because they are objective. It just goes to prove that size labels don't mean much. The Hubs said that he never understood why women's clothes didn't come sized the way men's clothes do, with simple measurements for waists, chests and inseams. I wonder about that too. Fortunately for my Ebay hunting adventures, many sellers now include that information for jeans in addition to the size on the tag.
Because I was curious about how my various-sized jeans look, I had The Hubs take some photographs, specifically of the rear view. I can't really tell what looks good from back there, after all! I am still adjusting to my changing body's shape and size. The last time I was at my current weight, my shape was way different than it is now. I have a much more defined waist than I ever have before, which is nice for a change! I also now have a little bit of "junk in the trunk", which I never had before, either. My fanny has never been anything to write home about, and it still isn't, but it is nice to have curves both above and below the waist for once.
It's also a little weird. Size labels on clothes don't make much sense, but the "fruit salad" descriptions of body types do. My weight loss from surgery may have shrunk different parts of me than doing it non-surgically in the past did. It may be somewhat related to my age and hormones as well. My whole life I've been an "apple", carrying my weight around my midsection, belly and chest. Now, suddenly, I look more like a "pear", with a smaller, more defined waist and curvier hips. I'm not complaining; it's just going to take a little getting used to. When/if I pursue excess skin removal on my abdomen, my size will change again, and my shape might change along with it.
If it seems like I am obsessing, I probably am. It's just a whole lot of change in a relatively short time. It will just take more time for my mind and heart to catch up with the changes in my body, and I will get there.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Now What?!
Reflections as my 1 year Surg-I-Versary approaches
This week has been extraordinary. Hearing at my doctor's appointment that I am now at a good weight and BMI is still sinking in gradually. I still feel fat, as I mentioned in my last post. Old habits and thought patterns die hard.
Now that I am basically at goal weight, I am wondering, now what? I still have a lot of work to do on both my mind and my body. "Shrinking" now is less about what I weigh and more about toning my muscles and firming up the areas that I can. The exercise I've been doing to this point has not been especially strenuous, and I guess it's time to ramp up the activity while getting enough calories to keep my weight more or less stable.
Yet another dimension of The New Normal.
I am also considering slowing down on this blog and beginning a new blog that is focused less on the weight loss journey and more on the rest of my life. This Diva has so many stories to tell... memories of the people I have loved who are no longer with us in this physical world, stories of the people who are still with us and the lessons they teach, stuff that makes me laugh and cry and think. I am wondering what those who have been reading this blog would be interested in reading about in the next one. Because, while I began this process simply as a way to document my weight loss journey for myself, I have discovered that I gain great satisfaction both from the writing process and from the input I receive when people read my posts.
So, Now What?
Some titles/premises I have considered for the new blog are:
In My Maker's Hands
Random Acts Of Living
Patchwork and Potpourri---Pieces of Life
If you read this post and have thoughts about the new blog (including whether I need to bother with doing it!) I would love to know them. I have appreciated, and benefited more from, people reading and responding to my writing much more than I ever thought I would. And I have a lot more to say, whether anyone reads it or not. So I will continue to write, and to post on Facebook when I've written something new. That way when there is something new, at least people know it's there, even if they opt out of reading it.
Will anything come out of all this writing? Who knows? For me, something valuable already has come from it. It has helped me to work a lot of my "stuff" out, and enabled me to share this part of my journey. For that I am profoundly grateful.
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